Monday, October 3, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
With the built excitement for this project I already have I have millions of ideas flowing through me. With what i have in my mind and with the proper resources this could easily get off the ground and going in no time! How amazing is that! I am so excited about this. I want to start posting ideas that I have, but I want to work with them and prefect them before I do that. I know they will work and I have no doubt in the success of this project. I am in love with all of this. I really am. Thank you Universe for entrusting with this amazingness!
Friday, September 30, 2011
I have been putting thought in to the idea of stepping back into life the way in which I was living. But I do not seeing that being possible. Working the way I was, the way I was living. I cant even imagine it. Which is okay, it was not fitting of who I was and this is the season of release. So instead trying to imagine it I am going to release it with love of the knowledge that I know It served me perfectly for what i was supposed to to. I leave it with gratitude and appreciation. I am stepping into a new chapter of my own life, a new experience. I am excited for it!!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
When one gets to experience moments they don't enjoy so much, it makes the great ones that much more appreciated and memorable. Though I have not removed the attachment, I am learning from it. I know , I know what makes sense is to remove that and move on. However, this way I can learn the ins and outs of it. Learn how I allow the pattern to overcome me and my symptoms of it. Basically through this I can learn to cure this. That way later down the road I wont have it happen, at least sneak up on me haha!
There it is, I have my moments. Though I have learned how to enjoy them rather than be upset with them. I <3 me.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I am at this moment in a mess in my mind and not very sure what to look for or where to look. I could start tossing things. However, I know in this process if you just toss with out looking you can easily invite it back in without knowing you are. So I must carefully and patiently look through all the leaves and paper with scribbles read whats on the trunks of the jungle trees and see what I have tacked to the sky. I must look at it all and know weather I need it or not. If I plan to hold on to it, how does it fit? Where must this go? What tree did this leaf of scribbles come off of?
Yes, you're reading this all confused and perfectly right if this is the case. For you're imagining a room that is a jungle with a sky filing cabinets standing open leaves and papers every where, including tacked to the sky. Now add a few more layers of papers and leaves, at least to your neck. Throw in a few animals looking at you neck deep in this mess with a look that says, "Dude, this is a mess... You gonna get to cleaning or are you gonna hang out neck deep in shit?" Haha. This is not a bad place. Actually quite the opposite, this is an amazing place. Overwhelming a bit, but amazing. This means I am another level deeper into myself. Once I am not overwhelmed I will be able to knock through this quickly. I am excited to be here, I am sure I will learn way cool things about me I long since buried down here. A tactic to convince myself it is to difficult to know me. But It wont win! I will get through this :-)
If you're interested in helping there is a donation button located in a couple places in the blog its is a picture of earth from space with a big tree and a blue guy, Thank you for the help.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
What I love most of all is fall is for letting go of the old ways that no longer fit who you are. Allowing the release of the old thoughts that pull us backwards. I love to release old habits that do not fit me. This is why ( in my belief) fall most of us had sinus drainage. Stuffy noses and lots of "lung Butter" from our head releasing all these things we have been holding on to in a physical way. I love being able to blow my nose. Each time I know I am getting rid of something I was holding onto inside of me that had the potential to make me more sick if i had held onto it.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Last I checked in with all of you I was feeling really alone. When I realized that not all people in my life had left, I had forgotten to open up to them.. Which means my Blood family, I had forgotten to really let them in, in a long time. From my own fears I recognized quickly. I was terrified of them not accepting me or getting it. I was afraid of many things in there. So all this time instead of letting them in to allow them the opportunity to decide for themselves how they felt about me, I was choosing for them. This wasn't a fear I was still holding on to, this was something long ago I had released, just forgot to take the steps to move forward with it. Like bringing it to their attention I had been afraid, but wasn't. That I had forgotten to tell them my thoughts and such. It's like I finally stopped judging myself long ago and forgot I was mirroring that off of them. So when I was setting here wondering why they weren't getting me and I was feeling like they had left me I had a glorious revelation that I had forgot to bring them along on the journey of my crazy life.
So being who I am, ya know amazing with words and all (
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I love you all!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
So here I was begging to die, but terrified to cause it. Having these fucking panic attacks, that only caused me to feel worse, for I knew somehow it was my own goddamn fault that I was having them. Believing in nothing, nothing more than the impending death I begged a god I honestly didn't even believe in. It was simple words that turned it around for me, from someone who seemingly was always high with out ever actually doing a drug to get there. I lay on the floor in tears, CAUGHT by my roommate at the time, in another panic attack that were growing worse and becoming harder for a person so worn down at this point to handle. She looks at me and says, "Dude, you need to learn to meditate" and walks off. At this point in my life I hold onto this story easily. She could have never even been standing there, but I needed her to be standing there and to say those words. This now was 4 or 5 years ago, not remember exactly my age or when this took place. Though the details are vibrant in my mind still to this moment, and ring through fully in my mind daily. That is where that journey truly started. However, out of fear of people knowing this and thinking I am crazy for digging into myself and getting to know myself, I hid this more many years. Up until This past year around this time, when I met a pretty cool guy named Jeremy. We met on a sketchy gay site and decided after a lot of talking that lead into facebook. (I am sure he was just facebook crawling, looking for me. Joking) After meeting and getting to know other people meditated and had spiritual views similar to my own. I felt like I could finally start opening about my beliefs and my feeling. About simply meditating. It had been a huge secret for a long time and at the time I met him I was struggling financially and mentally with all of this. I was beating myself up for stepping into a lease that I knew I couldn't afford, because it is what I felt was expected of me. So here I was, setting at my apartment crying over all of this thinking, "stupid, if you would just be true to you and allow your life to unfold the way everything has told it will then you wouldn't be fitting all of this and struggling and going hungry and being miserable once again." Here he was Mr. Jeremy. the Spiritual new friend who didn't see me as crazy, and led a simple life sorta like what I yearned for so dearly. Seemingly without a care in the world and happy as he could be. And Me a bumbling mess again, in knots, knowing who I am but not accepting it for that is not what I am SUPPOSED to do. Since that moment of me realizing I was not the only one in this path and that I could accept it and speak it because it was me it was my truth, it has been a whirl wind. The growth I have made is amazing to me, all from just allowing my truth to flow out of me.
I have been speaking this truth for a long time now, it feels great to speak my truth and be who I truly am. But Now I find myself in a place where I feel like it has put my in a position of feeling alienated from what I have known and built into the false me. I am in the prime position to find my soul family. To find the group I connect with on a deeper level and I don't receive blank stares of what I say 95 % of the time. But right now I just feel this loneliness. I know I will find them and I will feel that I truly am not alone. And I know the people who have been in my life for a long time now still love me and will always love me. But to be able to express all of me with out the blank stare will be the most amazing feeling ever.
I can tell you knowing me as deeply as I do is the most amazing and worth while gift I have ever given myself. The peace I find on the inside is something that I could never trade. Trust me, I have considered giving away my gift willingly to try and live the existence everyone expects of me. I have thought about just giving it all up and acting as if it does not exist and pretend to be like everyone else. I can't even fathom the idea of doing such. I think these thoughts and I am consumed with this misery that I could never willingly put upon myself and survive it. So I know just playing "human" would not work for me in the slightest at this point. Though it doesn't seem it from above knowing me is a feeling that removes loneliness most experience daily within themselves that is not satisfied by friends and lovers. The Loneliness I am experiencing is of the thought of ignoring the things I know, and of realizing that I do not fit into my old life anymore and not knowing where to go from here.
For I know with each layer of false bullshit I have built upon myself I remove, I will be one step farther away from that and still not knowing where I am going or where I fit in, in this world. If I fit in, in this world at all, at least with out being called crazy, stupid, insane, having add or another one of the millions excuses people will find to label me with to feel comfortable around me for more than a few minutes at a time.
I could just drop my travels and go "home", where ever that is anymore. Stop working on me and forget about all that I know now. I could write a book with the knowledge I have acquired, and reach millions of people. I could continue to travel reaching my destination of Mt. Shasta, Ca. Find out what pulls me there so ridiculously and be more than I am now and that much farther from acceptance into this world. I could lose myself in myself just to escape the judgments and ridicule for being different and crazy. I could choose to check out like so my ascended masters before. Feeling as if it is not worth the time anymore to try. To be labeled as a fool with fool dreams and crazy ideas on how life works. Though they are for my life and not others. I could be like Noah, who just keeps building my ark, knowing in the end that shits hitting the fan and this is how I save myself from this. I want the full enlightenment of knowing me to the deepest part of me, which is to know the deepest part of everything in the universe. But what cost does this bring me? At what cost does it bring me to not reach for what we are all set to reach towards? Which one truly hurts more?
In this moment...the feeling of being completely alone in the world hurts, it bring me to tears. It hurts more than any hurt I have ever felt. More than lonely this worlds has defined, More than the "broken heart", more than any physical injury I have ever had. This make me truly run cold, it cuts through me like a knife with no mercy. Hitting the deepest part of my soul and being twisted. I know I want to know me to the deepest part of me, and I know this pain wont last. But I can tell you in this moment, I only know this pain.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
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Friday, September 16, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
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Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
I may not be in the look where people thought I was the hottest, Or most put together. But none of that mattered in this moment, and quite honestly still doesn't. I realize now (though have known it a long time) I have found myself, almost completely. This feeling is beyond calming and beautiful. I am who I am, and I love me.
This blogg is a realization on my part, putting things together I have known and believe. These beliefs may not be your own. Take this as a Philosophy from someone whom you’ve either known or you still don’t know. I call it playing house. I was listening to a song my Jack Johnson, the name escapes me, and this just infiltrated my mind swiftly and with force. This is things I have known and followed, but until this moment I didn’t put them fully together and have a revelation to bring tears to my eyes.
If this reality isn’t real like we’ve been taught to believe, only an illusion we continue to hold ourselves, the we are simply playing house. Like children with their Barbie’s and G.I. Joe’s. We are going to jobs that we have convinced ourselves that are completely important and do things we do not desire in life, in the playhouse. We have over complicated the simplicity that we truly have here. We have turned it into huge circles of fictional tv dramas and ridiculous romance novels. When children are playing house, they don’t work for what they are wanting. The Drama is removed, the jobs are gone. If they want the house they simply have it. They Dream the perfection of it and they manifest it. To people, humans, it may look like a shoe box. But to the children they see a majestic castle with everything they desire in it. So instead of adding the extra in there for the perfection, like many have taught, If you imagine your true desires, you see their perfection, it shall manifest for you. Just how you see it. Because we step into it with the awareness we are simply playing house.
Then it makes me ask questions like, do we really need to work towards enlightenment or is it already there once we imagine it being. Once we choose to accept it is there. Then house, like enlightenment, once we are aware we are simply playing house, we realize the things we desire are already awaiting for OUR arrival. Once we choose to accept it.
Imagine it , Feel it , accept it, love it and that’s manifesting.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The towering Tetons were formed from earthquakes that occurred over the past 13 million years along a fault line. The jagged range includes its signature peak Grand Teton, 13,770 feet (4,198 m) and at least twelve pinnacles over 12,000 feet (3,658 m). Seven morainal lakes adorn the base of the range, and more than 100 alpine lakes dot the backcountry.
What deems a something as bad, a situation or action of some sort? What makes is feel like these things are so wrong and horrible? Was it from our own experiences in life that make these things wrong, or something we were told for a long time? All situations (as long as you allow them) have a lesson of some sort behind them.. “The Moral of the Story”… Granted the situations may be tough or the actions that we have may make things rough and hard to handle. But we always walk away with a new perspective. Isn’t that a gift? The chance to learn something new? A blessing, a chance to have a new level of awareness among ones self? Can something truly be bad if we walk away being better than we were?
If you think about it, all situations and actions are neutral. It is really how one handles the situation.. Take this example. Two people lose their jobs on the same day. One person wallows in the fact that they lost their job, they lose track of bills and fall terribly behind. Their family suffers and the strain causes more unneeded problems. Situation is unpleasant. Now take this same guy and give him realization that he has the opportunity now to find a job he truly loves, he finds said job and excels beyond his own expectations. The family comes back together as a unit and thrives. Does this situation when all said and done seem amazing. This group had the opportunity to experience something rough and difficult to handle and then to turn it around and become a stronger unit because of it. Now rewind and go back to guy number two, he automatically realizes the opportunity he is handed and runs for it full force and grows exponentially from the “negative” event of losing his job. Both Win here, and both learned amazing lessons in the process. Yes, I see that this situation could have taken another turn, where guy number one didn’t realize his lesson and continued to struggle. Ripping the family apart and destroying everything he had worked towards. However, if you take the time to reflect and learn what you can learn from the situation, how is it bad? So really its not the actions or the situations that are bad. It is really how one handles the situation?
So then I go back and ask, So is it truly situations or actions that are bad? Or are they Neutral? Is it us to makes them negative? For isn’t each situation that presents it self to us just another door we choose to step through with grace and pride?
Just a thought….
Last night I had my first experience with Shamanic Sacred pipe ceremony. I did my research and gathered some knowledge and I was still not prepared. I figured I could learn the basics and then they would teach their certain way. We were late so we may have missed them teaching us how they do it. Though I caught on pretty easy.
This is the pattern; The pipe carrier has all the things set out for the ceremony on her nifty little blanket ( that all I could think was that I wanted to own a lot.) She handed a feather out to pass around. Each of us gave our names, what we had came for. Like Me I put out that I was just extremely grateful and that I wish to reach the next level of enlightenment. Most were asking for health, protection and healing. Which is cool. But in the last post we found out Ol’ Zachy here is a healer…So fuck off. Hehe… Then she called in the spirits of the earth to be part of our ceremony and the Spirits of the four directions. The four were eagle, Bear, White buffalo… And Well the last I cant remember. (each person does them differently). We passed the pipe. Here from her way of doing this we had two different things you could do with the pipe before you smoked. You could, on the ground in front of you, Touch the ground going right left right or you could make a spiral shape above he ground with two circles and then touch the ground in the middle. Then you smoke.
As you smoke you think of the things you’re grateful for and the things you ask the spirits for (the prayers) When you pull in smoke you pull in the knowledge that the spirits want to give to you. Blowing out you Release your prayers into the air. Then obviously in a clockwise motion you pass the pipe. Once the pipe goes all the way around the circle, the Pipe holder smokes again (this time with a feather) pushes the smoke away into the universe and blessed the pipe with it. Then the Ashes are put into a large shell and take to the ground to bless the ground with.
The ceremony was really cool to see and experience. It isn’t often a person gets to do something like that and see the different ways to do it. Plus was a perfect night for it. The moon was beautiful and the sky has so many colors flowing through it. The wind was brisk and the leaves were bantering back and fourth with one another in the most amused way. They two enjoyed the ceremony.
So on that note, I have felt like I was a disappointment my entire life to everyone. In reality this idea that I am and will always be unless I follow these standards that have been set in front of me was built in a long time ago, and allowed myself to believe them this whole time. So I have been disappointing myself based off of other expectations of me. Then the people who are disappointed by “me” are really disappointed in their on abilities to not meet their own standards of life. This is amazing. I am in Awe.
These standards that were laid out in front of me to fail over are as such:
Be a doctor, make a lot of money (because only the rich are happy)
, help others (LMAO go back to the beginning of needing to help others to help myself), Have been married with children by now
, be straight, and do all of this in a town that is dieing and doesn’t even have a decent job to sustain this lifestyle I am supposed to have to be happy. Another words I was set up to fail there. So then I have been search of approval since. My spirituality is mine and I hold firm to my own convictions there. My travels are mine and I hold firm to my convictions there as well. But I do not need approval from people for them. I do not need to help others to help myself. Through Helping myself I help others. I do not need to be a fucking doctor to heal people (in fact most doctors only treat symptoms), I can heal people without chemicals and surgeries. I do not need a proof of purchase stamp of approval from anyone but me.
What is funny is all the issues I have been chewing through in my mind have been centered around the insecurity of not being good enough. This Has branched out for more than 23 years now. Though I accepted a long time ago that I could never get approval from certain members of my family for my life. I have treated the cause and not removed the symptoms that had began to branch out in many ways. I now accept my own life, and my abilities. I accept that I don’t need to be a doctor or go through college for years upon years to make money or be happy. I accept that I do not need to help others to help myself. My lessons do not have to be others lessons.
This insecurity truly effects every aspect of my life. Including this blogg, I have been feeling that because followers haven’t been going up, even though views and traffic is through the roof compared to past months that I was not getting approval and wasn’t good enough. In reality because I was not accepting myself for not being enough that I have been keeping myself from the potential that I have in this blog. Also in all the other fields that I endevour into. I have been to busy trying to prove I am not attached to realize that I truly am not. HAHAHAHA, I have been to busy trying to prove that these things don’t bother me to realize they really don’t bother me. I wasn’t accepting that I wasn’t attached to these things because they didn’t have the stamp of approval. When in reality I wasn’t realizing that The approval I am searching for I wasn’t attached to even finding, because I had already approved of it myself and wasn’t accepting that I had learned these lessons. Because in my twisted mind I was looking for approval to not be attached to not needing approval. Which make me see that every time I got this approval I wasn’t grateful for it, because I had surpassed this place and hadn’t accepted myself for have surpassed it. Another words this whole time I have been living in the circle of thinking I wanted something I wasn’t attached to. Because the idea that I need it was still in my mind.
Hey guess what??!?!? I approve of not needing approval LOL. For I am not attached to the approval, which I was (even just a moment ago it would read to you guys, but I actually stopped typing and came back to this) taking in my own mind as me being ungrateful for what my ego was in search of. In reality I am grateful for everyone who is in approval, but I am not attached to it. I owe a lot of people an apology, Co-dependently I have been searching for approval in you instead realizing the only approval I was wanting was the approval from myself to not need approval from others. I love you all….
Friday, September 2, 2011
So what I know this far is this is like a childs pinky promise in a way. Once you have made a promise or given your word and you smoke the sacred pipe it is unthinkable to go back on your word. The symbolism of the Smoking itself is to pull in from the ground (tobacco) and the release into the universe (to the gods). Helps to pull in the wisdom and Send out your prays, so that you're blessed.... pretty cool huh?
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Hey everyone, How are you? Today I am feeling amazing. Yesterday and the day before didn’t feel so amazing. Though needed. As you’ve read typically my days are filled with crazy happenings, a lot of laughing and just all around a good time. Mostly because I still allow things to me new and exciting in my life. But for the past couple of days, even though not bad, weren’t the most amazing of all my days. We had decided to pack up camp and come back into town a while. The weather was turning cold and we were both beginning to feel disconnected from the world. We came back into Idaho falls from Kelly Canyon. Beautiful camping there and amazing hikes. The sky at night was breath taking and peace a solitude was refreshing.
Though camp was more than one could ask for in camping, after a while you feel like you need to be reacquainted with people. My ego for a few days had been in complete swing. I had allowed myself unbalance and for my ego to take over my thought process. All of these things consumed my mind. Like, but not limited to: “What the hell am I doing? I have made myself on the verge of homeless and now someone has joined my escapades.”, “ I am wasting my life”, “You moron, you have things going so well, and every time you give them up to have new experience.”….Honestly the list of things keeps going,. I end starting to blame myself for a bunch of things going on, I beat myself up over screwing my life up and begin blaming myself for screwing other peoples lives up. Which all of these things I see as not true. I am not responsible for others lives, and my life I have actually set so I can do this and have experiences that I’ve only, until now, dreamed of. I know these things, but my ego had the best of me and to be honest as I am typing this out, still has a bit of a hold.
The past few weeks I have had a lot of things happen to me, as you can read. Mentally there has been a bunch going on, that I am as well trying to sort through and process. However, I have not been processing as well as I should. I realize this, for my head feels full! It like pressure right before you get a headache, but it’s different enough that I can tell the difference between the two pressures. So now, I am working on processing all the events physical and mental ones. Though I have had some awesome things happen to me in the physical world, admittedly, I have had a bit of turmoil in my mind recently.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
This is a short entry Btw, So read slowly. You may miss details that I didn’t post! The other night we are setting in camp. The fire is rather small, for we didn’t care to build a large one, and were looking up into the sky. If you’ve never been somewhere, where just looking into the night sky is possible with out any lights, you should try it. Talk about something incomparably beautiful and mysterious. Anywho, so we happen to notice this super bright “star” in the horizon of the Mountains that happen to not be there the night before. We had extensive conversation on this topic before we ventured further into what it could be. So we continue to watch this random and really bright dot for a while. It moved up into the sky it moved right, then back left. It got dim and then brightened. These movements continued for a long time, which is super exiting! Finally after what felt like around an hour or around about. The light moved away from us and dimmed into the cloud. Then came back out for a few more minutes before going away for the rest of the time we watched. We did get video of this, and you can judge it for yourself . That’s all I have to say.
The curiosity stricken
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
As most of you know at this point I have been in Idaho falls, well, near Idaho falls. We’ve been camping in Kelly Canyon near Idaho falls area. My friend Janet and I have been here for nearly a week at this point camping out in this I have to say pretty kick ass spot. Perfect view for sun rise and just over the hill perfect for sun set. Can’t ask for anything better! Not only that access is rather easy, but still very quiet. Plus the area was already clear. So can’t go wrong here! There is however one flaw, there’s not toilet seat! Sigh
We have got the tent area set up just right and fire pit already constructed (with a few tweeks) and we ourselves built a little shelter out of pine branches to chill under when it is really hot out! Another words for a crazy guy like me, well I could live here. Well I would prefer a little cabin and I would be good to go!
Since we have been here we have been hiking a couple of times. One of those times we were walking over a pile of old dry wood. (great idea eh?)
This is where the unthinkable happened! Que serious background music! We disturbed a bee’s nest! OMG AAHHHH! The plus side was they had settled for the night, it was in the midst of twilight and as anyone with a brain of some sort knows bees like to sleep early, for they like to be up at the ass crack of dawn to annoy the piss out of anyone who can hear them. Yes, that my friends is the real and ONLY reason they want to get up that early, so they have all waking hours to try and piss something off! Okay, Back on topic. Luckily for us they weren’t already swarming, for like I said they were asleep. I am behind Janet on this hike and Happen hear a very loud buzzing look over and OH SHIT! I yell RUN. She doesn’t think twice, takes off, as do I. I get away scott free. She got away for MAJOR woundage! Two whole bee stings! Okay, okay. Not major, But not pleasant. Getting stung isn’t like sex here, it hurts. They are creating a hole ( not using one that’s already there) to put their mean bee juice in you!
Then a couple days later we came across the fact that there is an underground bees nest right near camp that we have moved pasted and around many times. But now we are all nervous and quite haven’t decided how to remove these demonic creatures! Well, demonic is a strong word. But creatures that don’t like us to bug them… haha, bug. Get it! Funny they don’t like us to bug them because I have came to a revelation about them. We are just like them. People I mean. (just thought I would specify)
Look at the similarities, Like them we work and work and work. And for what? To hand it to the “rulers”. We work like drones and think nothing else of life besides work and that’s all. Then if something bothers our own little colony and ATTACK , get pissed off, ATTACK SOME More, then rebuild and go back to working. So the statement rat race is officially changed to Bee race and I still wont play along!
Monday, August 29, 2011
So this has came up A LOT along my journey and I wasn’t sure how I felt about this idea, or being called such. I have now decided I am quite alright with it and I can still have a smile on my face and be as happy as I ever was. This idea of Homeless… it’s a name with a bad vibe to it for most people, it’s a terrible thing and to end up that way you MUST abuse substances. Well granted there are people out there who have ended up on the streets for this and people who have ended up on the streets for other reasons (economy just might be shit, Just say’n) and there are the ones who have ended up as such, well, by choice. I know for people the idea of CHOOSING to be this so called “homeless” is crazy, over the top, this person MUST be committed for their own good. Someone who would choose to live in tune with nature and out of the rat race of, to be honest is stupid and pointless in my view, why is this so bad?
Saturday, August 27, 2011
I don't know about you, but when I first heard about Zachy's adventure, I felt a pang of envy course through me. I've often secretly fantasized about leaving behind all of the expectations of the world, longing to float through the ebb and flow of life, guided by my intuition and desires.
Fast forward a couple of months, and here I am, joining up with The Wonderer on our own series of adventures. I am very well aware that mainstream culture perceives these choices as eccentric and bizarre, however, I obviously don't care much how others judge or criticize me. I lived my life attempting to please others for far too many years to ever step back into that nightmare, (though my fear of judgment still rears its ugly head sometimes).
When I let go of the traditional role I am expected to fill as a woman, a mother, an American, and a human being, I embrace that new found opportunity to define my own role. In my new version, it is very easy to walk away from the rat race - from the obligation to buy into the chaos that has become so common in every day life. I've spent years longing for simplicity, without ever having the courage to take purposeful steps towards that end.
And now, as I've packed up 99% of all of my belongings and put them in storage, I put myself in a situation where I had to choose what my most prized possessions are - what is essential for living and survival. I've got the opportunity in my hands right now to re-evaluate my lifestyle, from top to bottom, scale back to the absolute bare minimum, and then move forward with my new convictions.
What a fantastic opportunity! It is so freeing to let go of my attachment to THINGS, to escape from the labels and identifications that come from material possessions.
As a mother, I've been looking at what it is that I ought to be providing for my little family. Traditional paradigms suggest that I need to provide a 3-4 bedroom home for them, with lots of storage space for toys, electronics, clothes, and all manner of material possessions. Because I'm divorced, their lifestyle should be duplicated at both households, and they should never want for anything.....
I've had to dig deep lately to reveal to myself how I really feel about what a mother should provide for her family. And I disagree with the modern, traditional paradigm. I want to provide my children with the example of a mother who chooses to live her authentic life rather than playing the people's game. I want to provide them with an environment of unconditional love and acceptance - the feeling that they belong, that they are 'home'. And I wholeheartedly believe I can provide this for them, without buying into a 3 level townhouse that comes with 2 1/2 bathrooms.
My goal is to simplify and become a practicing minimalist. Fortunately, my children will have the chance to grow up seeing what life looks like on both sides of the coin - from a household where all the typical Americanized amenities are available, and a household where love, simplicity, and presence are the highest of priorities.
Getting back to the basics brings my heart such joy, it's ridiculous! I long for simple days where twilight signals bedtime, and we rise with the sun every morning - where we re-align ourselves with the rhythm of Mother Nature. I yearn to eat what nourishes the body, not what can be re-heated in a microwave. I seek to withdraw from the media, from that influence, and settle into a cycle of harmony with myself and my surroundings.
Stepping away from life-as-we-know-it may be the single most important step I've taken in the past few years. My time spent 'wondering' with Zachy is helping me dig deep to my core beliefs and bring them into manifestation. Simplicity. Alignment. Natural. Authentic. These are the words I choose to define my role, my life.