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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

From moment one.

Not to many years ago, I feel, I used to take the time to get dressed nice, kept myself cleaned up and acted in the manner I felt I was supposed to. There were many years before I had started the journey to know me. I thought, "I can know me, and just pretend to be what I am supposed to be to please everyone."< How ridiculous. You know the whole time I was "secretively" studied me I was granted less miserable than before I started. Back in the days when I set around awaiting the day I could just die and forget it all, because at the time, that's what I wanted. Not that I was going to go it myself. I wasn't no where close to being the pansy ass who offed myself. Yes, that is how I felt. I was to unhappy to want life, but to afraid of the judgment to cause me own death. so I will admit in this moment, I did not want life anymore. I was tired of the game already. This bullshit of playing a game I could not win and still being angry and depressed. At the ripe age of 19 I set in my apartment begging for my own death. I was on a path to it. Like we all see. Slowly dieing, that's what we all set around and await most of our lives. Pay taxes and die. What a beautiful reality.

So here I was begging to die, but terrified to cause it. Having these fucking panic attacks, that only caused me to feel worse, for I knew somehow it was my own goddamn fault that I was having them. Believing in nothing, nothing more than the impending death I begged a god I honestly didn't even believe in. It was simple words that turned it around for me, from someone who seemingly was always high with out ever actually doing a drug to get there. I lay on the floor in tears, CAUGHT by my roommate at the time, in another panic attack that were growing worse and becoming harder for a person so worn down at this point to handle. She looks at me and says, "Dude, you need to learn to meditate" and walks off. At this point in my life I hold onto this story easily. She could have never even been standing there, but I needed her to be standing there and to say those words. This now was 4 or 5 years ago, not remember exactly my age or when this took place. Though the details are vibrant in my mind still to this moment, and ring through fully in my mind daily. That is where that journey truly started. However, out of fear of people knowing this and thinking I am crazy for digging into myself and getting to know myself, I hid this more many years. Up until This past year around this time, when I met a pretty cool guy named Jeremy. We met on a sketchy gay site and decided after a lot of talking that lead into facebook. (I am sure he was just facebook crawling, looking for me. Joking) After meeting and getting to know other people meditated and had spiritual views similar to my own. I felt like I could finally start opening about my beliefs and my feeling. About simply meditating. It had been a huge secret for a long time and at the time I met him I was struggling financially and mentally with all of this. I was beating myself up for stepping into a lease that I knew I couldn't afford, because it is what I felt was expected of me. So here I was, setting at my apartment crying over all of this thinking, "stupid, if you would just be true to you and allow your life to unfold the way everything has told it will then you wouldn't be fitting all of this and struggling and going hungry and being miserable once again." Here he was Mr. Jeremy. the Spiritual new friend who didn't see me as crazy, and led a simple life sorta like what I yearned for so dearly. Seemingly without a care in the world and happy as he could be. And Me a bumbling mess again, in knots, knowing who I am but not accepting it for that is not what I am SUPPOSED to do. Since that moment of me realizing I was not the only one in this path and that I could accept it and speak it because it was me it was my truth, it has been a whirl wind. The growth I have made is amazing to me, all from just allowing my truth to flow out of me.

I have been speaking this truth for a long time now, it feels great to speak my truth and be who I truly am. But Now I find myself in a place where I feel like it has put my in a position of feeling alienated from what I have known and built into the false me. I am in the prime position to find my soul family. To find the group I connect with on a deeper level and I don't receive blank stares of what I say 95 % of the time. But right now I just feel this loneliness. I know I will find them and I will feel that I truly am not alone. And I know the people who have been in my life for a long time now still love me and will always love me. But to be able to express all of me with out the blank stare will be the most amazing feeling ever.

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