Thanks to Photographer/artist Julian Robles

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Art and Photography By Julian Robles with Mad Latino Studios!

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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Dear God

Dear God,

I love you, to allow me to have saw the dark side of life so early in life and be able to grow the way I have and see the true glory of the Brighter side. I could NEVER ask for a better gift than a rough child hood. And when I stepped out of the dark into the light you allowed me to be blessed with the individuals in my life that make me so happy. Sylvianne Tuggle, Jeremy E. McDonald, Justin Daniel Duncan, Julian Robles, Justin Deschamps, Steven Garrett and So so many more. I live in Absolute perfection and In my heaven. But I would have never Saw that if it wasn't for the hell I chose to walk through as a child with you blessing. 

Love Zach ( Your light on earth and in heaven)

Monday, May 23, 2011

I am not alone

….Continued

In the next couple of days my niece Aly, an Old high school friend who is still very dear to my heart Nikki, and her daughter Peyton (I hope I spelled it correctly) had a picnic.  I packed home made BBQ chicken, rolls, cookie…Basically the whole nine yards for a picnic. We drove up on the Blue ridge park way near where we grew up. If you’ve never been, it is beautiful. We hadn’t really talked much since high school. I had moved away and she was Busy working going to school and raising her daughter. At which she has done an amazing job. Peyton is probably to most well behaved 4 year old I’ve ever talked to.

 Anyways we were catching up and she was telling all the things that had been going on with her and I doing the same.  Come to find out though we were both pretty good at hiding it we were both in a dark place in high school and even after. We had found our reasons to want to be happy and learn to truly live. (something I have worked on for years and been teaching people for years) Though I wished no body would have ever been in the place I was in when I had moved away from North Carolina years ago, I was happy to see that someone who is close to my heart had saw where they were and chose to become better than they were. To Truly LIVE and Love themselves and everyone around them.. If you’re not seeing it yet this is the first step to not only a journey psychologically but spiritually. I loved seeing that she was on her spiritual journey and was happy.  I needed to see this to see though it doesn’t always seem it I am not alone, and I always have someone I can turn to when I am down my self who understands the feeling.  Its always one thing to know these things, but to experience them in their form (whatever form they take for you)
Once my video dropped  ( THANK YOU JUSTIN DESCHAMPS, JULIAN ROBLES WITH MAD LATINO STUDIOS, STEVEN GARRETT FOR THE MUSIC, AND JUSTIN DANIEL DUNCAN FOR THE GRAPHICS) My family began to open up to me. Which was amazing . My dad and I talked about my trip and he finally ( think the first time in my life) talked about emotions. He was excited about my journey and worried. It may not seem like much to you, but for me that was huge. My sister opened up about our past and how she was finally coming to a closure with it all.  On top of things that were bothering her now and I tried to give her help on those. Which shockingly she took some of.  All in all talking with them and them opening up showed me that they were people with problems and they do need to let it out. But to also see it wasn’t for me to help them with. I know I am here for them, but I am NOT here to take care of them. I was able to see it was ok for me to let go of the co dependency I was holding to with them. I allowed myself to be released completely. I am released….. You cant imagine how deep those words hit me. I am released, I am free….

Co Dependency is a poison

As I Set one of my last days on my sisters back Deck (something I have enjoyed many of the days I’ve been here) and drink my coffee, I look back over the past couple of weeks at the things that has happened. Though event wise this town really has next to nothing going on, the things that has happened to me from talking to people around here have been incredible.  More than incredible, some of the revelations life changing.  A trip I will willingly admit I dreaded Because a typical trip up here frustrated me. Though at some points of this trip I started to lose my cool.  I, instead of letting it effect me negatively, would take a few moments to look at what was irritating me and figure out why it was and what was it that was bothering me on the inside.  Been able to let go of a lot of things I didn’t even realize I was holding on to. I managed to make much needed money for things I never thought about making money off of. I was able to come closer to people who I honestly didn’t think I would be able to see eye to eye with on things. All in all though I surrounded by more trees per capita than humans and have to drive farther to go get a “quick meal” than I have had to do in years. This stop in North Carolina was perfectly in the flow. It has been perfect, it has allowed me the chance to get back to my roots and truly experience things I have saw recently In meditation ( I will make it a point to blogg them next). I have experienced the child hood that for years I had a negative outlook on (Not due to other peoples actions, but on how I perceived those actions), Able to look at those in a completely neutral point of view and see all the positive from it.  Being ably to fully experience it all in the moment is much more weight lifting than just seeing it in a vision in meditation. Don’t get me wrong without what I saw I would NOT have been able to experience this trip the way I have.

Two weeks ago on Wed. My train came to a halt in High Point, Nc. Where Knowing my family knew I had an hour to wonder the city.  I found the entire situation funny, and without them being late I wouldn’t have had the chance to find this cute little diner down the road and not have gotten to chat with this extremely friendly old couple who asked me if I was running away jokingly. Shows me no matter where I am on my trip there are always the willing to chat with. Admittedly I was slightly nervous to talk to them so didn’t say a whole lot. But its cool to see that I always have people to talk to.

The next day I had dinner with my old friend Charlene.  We decided to get together  to chat and catch up, though as we sat down to eat and have a couple of drinks we came upon the subject of how she was feeling about situations going on in her life and some in her past that she hadn’t let go of. Me being me talked with her about letting go and forgiving herself. Learning to love ones self. Told her about all the things that had happened to me since I left this town. How I had to learn to love myself and other things. The topic went pretty deep, mostly me talking because I’m a blabber mouth lol. Though I truly hope I helped her in some way, talking with her helped me in a great way. Though I am not going to go into details of what we talked about due to the personal nature of most of it I would love to because of the emotional depth I hit at least from it all.  We were riding over to Wal-Mart to find a mirror to talk in to and on the way there is when my help came.  I made a comment about co dependency and letting go of it.  Basically saying that it’s a poison and one has to let go of it to all people and learn to love them in Love and tell them your truth. I realized in that moment what my visit here was. I had been thinking, yeah ill go visit see them before my trip and that’s all. Not knowing until I got in that moment that what I was here for was to remove that co dependency and tell them my truth. Weather they understood or not. With that moment I felt all the things that I needed to say and heard them go through my mind. I still haven’t said them all, but I will. I  need to, for me.

To be continued…

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

"Nigga Please"- Random Drunken White guy

I was wondering, Who here has just randomly had conversation with strangers? Today as I wa On my layover between trains I was walking down the street to get coffee ( following some shotty directions from the lady at the station) and as I am walking a guy walks up to me “Excuse me sir, do you know where I can find the bus station?” Me having no idea where I even am answer as honest as I can, “No, sorry, I am lost myself. I am here on a layover and just want coffee.” At this we both got a giggle at the fact neither of us are from the area and Both are looking for something. So for a while we walk down the street together just chatting at which I find out that he is actually from Up north and is traveling around, but doesn’t agree with ticket prices for train. We both agree the layout of the city is odd to us (both being used to city layouts where things weren’t spread apart). Also chat about the rainy weather, and how Tampa truly is much warmer than NC. Funny thing is he ends up giving me better directions to the coffee shop (him being new to the area) than the Woman at the counter ( who was not new here).

So I get to a little sandwich shop and decide I would prefer Starbucks. Lucky for me some guy is standing there with a star bucks cup. So I ask where to find it. Next to walking me to the door, he pretty much walked me to where I could clearly see the sign. He wasn’t overly talkative. But  seems to me to have went out of the way to show me where to go. I get into the star bucks, Hiking bag and all. The Lady looks at me after I order and goes, “Are you really Hiking around in this weather?” After I admit that I pretty much am She Smiles at me and in a sincere tone wishes me good luck on my Journeys.  You know 4 years ago  I would never have talked to someone I don’t know and willingly admit to this day that I struggle to, but it continues to amaze me how friendly people are when you simply greet them with a warm and true smile.  The World seems to be a cold place. But Isnt up to us to warm it up?  From talking to random people it shows me people truly want human contact with others.

Since all of this has happened I’ve encountered yet another drunk person in lobby of the train station who Loved to say “Nigga Please” Which I had to laugh at, and the people around me enjoyed his drunken ramblings as well. Until the Police to him in for Drunk in Public, oh yes and Saying to them “You’re a Nigga, I’m a Nigga, I’m a Nigga.” ( keep in mind all people involved in this were white men, at which you could sense their nervousness at the word) Interesting how a simple word so many allow themselves to become out of sorts with….

Anywho, I am back on  my train. The sun as came out to say hello and the country side I can say is amazingly beautiful. Another great day in the neighborhood!

Peace and love to all!

Z

Fun Night On the Train

As I ride my first train for the next couple of months of train rides I wonder, has anyone who is reading this ever done something that they find to be a little crazy,  but you do it anyways. Ya know for that “leap of faith”?   I mean right now I am only leaving my home to go see my family. That will last around a month before I train out to Colorado. I am sure my nerve will be a little more on edge then, but for now I am just setting here thinking, are you crazy? Leave comfort of home to find what? Yourself, Happiness, love? I can answer those questions quickly and assuredly with a stern “I have those thank you.” So then what is it I am going out here to find? At this moment, I have no idea what so ever. I know I am ready to reconnect with nature. Something I have been feeling like I have lost long ago. I am ready to see new areas and meet new people. Those are all interesting thing to do. But I know there is something inside I am looking for. Just haven’t quite figured out what yet. Maybe to simple, truly experience the things I already know about my self. That rings closer to home I feel, But not there yet. You may ask, “Well, why the fuck do you feel like you should experience the things you already know about yourself?” I would have to come back with a simple, “How are you supposed to truly know these things about yourself without ever experiencing them?” or, “Why would you not want to experience who you are, if you know you can?”


Like I said though, though that rings a bell inside it’s not yet screaming at me. My body isn’t screaming at me “YES, ZACH YES YOU HAVE FIGURED IT OUT!!”  Who knows, that is the future. We should not worry about the future. I mean that is a later time. The only thing we truly have it the present. Amusing that every moment that we live in our daily life is a present, considering that is another word for a gift. Yet somehow most of us continue to try to plan the future and hold on to the past, instead of Living in the now, the gift, the present. We miss the Beauty of every moment because we are to busy  worrying about things that aren’t in the now. Why?  So to celebrate the now, live in it and ENJOY it. I Declare train travel to be awesome. It is extremely peaceful actually. I have had the chance to experience Cold, be able to put on my Jacket and experience warmth. For you know with out one, how the fuck can you experience the other and truly know you’re experiencing it.  I have also had the chance to Set here and type this entire blog, talk to random strangers  about an array of things from my laptop, to public drunkeness, and to Mothers smoking around children. All of which I have to real opinion on considering I find nothing right or wrong with any of them. But to top it off I have managed to meditate for 2 hours. I guess the down time hours hit already. Hustle and bustle seems to have hit the train. People chatting away on their phones, digging through their bags and asking when they get smoke breaks. Some moving around for bathroom and CafĂ© area for food, or alcohol. Which is where the conversation about public drunkenss kicked in, since some guy was kicked off for it already. that’s where we found out from one of the empoyes on the train that he's found people passed out in the bathrooms laying in their own urine and people who peed in the floor NOT in the bathroom, haha.  I have also found out for two dollars and fifty cent you can purchase a one dollar container of cookies. Most people reading will begin to rant here saying thing like “The way prices are is ridiculous” or “Why the fuck would you buy them knowing this?” In reality Money is money. Is comes it goes, most of us when we need it, it is there. Why would I NOT buy myself the cookies I wanted, when I simply know when I need the green painted paper that we allow to be more important than ourselves, it will be there.

Off to enjoy the rest of my train trip. Namaste to all. J

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