So on that note, I have felt like I was a disappointment my entire life to everyone. In reality this idea that I am and will always be unless I follow these standards that have been set in front of me was built in a long time ago, and allowed myself to believe them this whole time. So I have been disappointing myself based off of other expectations of me. Then the people who are disappointed by “me” are really disappointed in their on abilities to not meet their own standards of life. This is amazing. I am in Awe.
These standards that were laid out in front of me to fail over are as such:
Be a doctor, make a lot of money (because only the rich are happy)
, help others (LMAO go back to the beginning of needing to help others to help myself), Have been married with children by now
, be straight, and do all of this in a town that is dieing and doesn’t even have a decent job to sustain this lifestyle I am supposed to have to be happy. Another words I was set up to fail there. So then I have been search of approval since. My spirituality is mine and I hold firm to my own convictions there. My travels are mine and I hold firm to my convictions there as well. But I do not need approval from people for them. I do not need to help others to help myself. Through Helping myself I help others. I do not need to be a fucking doctor to heal people (in fact most doctors only treat symptoms), I can heal people without chemicals and surgeries. I do not need a proof of purchase stamp of approval from anyone but me.
What is funny is all the issues I have been chewing through in my mind have been centered around the insecurity of not being good enough. This Has branched out for more than 23 years now. Though I accepted a long time ago that I could never get approval from certain members of my family for my life. I have treated the cause and not removed the symptoms that had began to branch out in many ways. I now accept my own life, and my abilities. I accept that I don’t need to be a doctor or go through college for years upon years to make money or be happy. I accept that I do not need to help others to help myself. My lessons do not have to be others lessons.
This insecurity truly effects every aspect of my life. Including this blogg, I have been feeling that because followers haven’t been going up, even though views and traffic is through the roof compared to past months that I was not getting approval and wasn’t good enough. In reality because I was not accepting myself for not being enough that I have been keeping myself from the potential that I have in this blog. Also in all the other fields that I endevour into. I have been to busy trying to prove I am not attached to realize that I truly am not. HAHAHAHA, I have been to busy trying to prove that these things don’t bother me to realize they really don’t bother me. I wasn’t accepting that I wasn’t attached to these things because they didn’t have the stamp of approval. When in reality I wasn’t realizing that The approval I am searching for I wasn’t attached to even finding, because I had already approved of it myself and wasn’t accepting that I had learned these lessons. Because in my twisted mind I was looking for approval to not be attached to not needing approval. Which make me see that every time I got this approval I wasn’t grateful for it, because I had surpassed this place and hadn’t accepted myself for have surpassed it. Another words this whole time I have been living in the circle of thinking I wanted something I wasn’t attached to. Because the idea that I need it was still in my mind.
Hey guess what??!?!? I approve of not needing approval LOL. For I am not attached to the approval, which I was (even just a moment ago it would read to you guys, but I actually stopped typing and came back to this) taking in my own mind as me being ungrateful for what my ego was in search of. In reality I am grateful for everyone who is in approval, but I am not attached to it. I owe a lot of people an apology, Co-dependently I have been searching for approval in you instead realizing the only approval I was wanting was the approval from myself to not need approval from others. I love you all….