Hey everyone, How are you? Today I am feeling amazing. Yesterday and the day before didn’t feel so amazing. Though needed. As you’ve read typically my days are filled with crazy happenings, a lot of laughing and just all around a good time. Mostly because I still allow things to me new and exciting in my life. But for the past couple of days, even though not bad, weren’t the most amazing of all my days. We had decided to pack up camp and come back into town a while. The weather was turning cold and we were both beginning to feel disconnected from the world. We came back into Idaho falls from Kelly Canyon. Beautiful camping there and amazing hikes. The sky at night was breath taking and peace a solitude was refreshing.
Though camp was more than one could ask for in camping, after a while you feel like you need to be reacquainted with people. My ego for a few days had been in complete swing. I had allowed myself unbalance and for my ego to take over my thought process. All of these things consumed my mind. Like, but not limited to: “What the hell am I doing? I have made myself on the verge of homeless and now someone has joined my escapades.”, “ I am wasting my life”, “You moron, you have things going so well, and every time you give them up to have new experience.”….Honestly the list of things keeps going,. I end starting to blame myself for a bunch of things going on, I beat myself up over screwing my life up and begin blaming myself for screwing other peoples lives up. Which all of these things I see as not true. I am not responsible for others lives, and my life I have actually set so I can do this and have experiences that I’ve only, until now, dreamed of. I know these things, but my ego had the best of me and to be honest as I am typing this out, still has a bit of a hold.
The past few weeks I have had a lot of things happen to me, as you can read. Mentally there has been a bunch going on, that I am as well trying to sort through and process. However, I have not been processing as well as I should. I realize this, for my head feels full! It like pressure right before you get a headache, but it’s different enough that I can tell the difference between the two pressures. So now, I am working on processing all the events physical and mental ones. Though I have had some awesome things happen to me in the physical world, admittedly, I have had a bit of turmoil in my mind recently.
Now is a great time to process them. So in this blogg entry and or the next if randomly I go off on a tangent, I am processing something and typically random and amusing.
I have had a few things rotating through my mind since I was in Salt lake city this last time. I, instead working through them, just pushed them back, not wanting to look at them then. From that I pretended like I had worked through them. Go me! So now I am going to try and work through some of these things and stop acting like they aren’t an issue. Because obviously they are. Besides a good part of this trip is to work through some of my insecurities, co-dependencies, and other things that I allow to be a black plague within my own mind.
I find that in SLC I felt like I was no help to people. I can typically go anywhere and somehow help someone. And inadvertently help myself. So co-dependently I had expectations of helping people and that didn’t happen. I know expectations are no help in any situation. The unexpected things are the most enjoyable right? Then to top that off my expectation was co-dependant. I expected to please someone else. Wow, that’s two things there lol. <this guy a genius!
So what makes me want to please others? Well the saying does go, “If Momma isn’t happy, nobody is happy.” However, really the only person I need to please is myself. Granted, by helping others I help myself. But I am relying to heavily on this idea and not enough on being able to help myself without helping others. Makes me wonder, why do I not feel strong enough to just be bale to help myself with out helping someone else in the process? Part of me feels like that if I don’t have the physicality of seeing someone else grow from what I say, then I can’t grow as well…. What’s funny here to me is the fact that, this stuff is all in the non physical world of ones mind. Just like I realize that I also rely on people helping me process things, because I am not feeling strong enough to be able to process alone either. I have been needing the physical proof that I am growing mentally, spiritually and Humanically. <You like? I just made the Shit up! I am awesome!….So I have not been secure in the in the fact that I can grow in these ways by myself or atleast without this proof.. It’s like when you buy something and there is always the “proof of purchase” label, it is completely pointless really. Hell on that note, usually security systems are pointless. I mean really, how many stores do you know who actually check when it goes off? My point being, I have been needing a pointless “proof of purchase” stamp on my own growth. Like I earned it via helping others or someone else showing me I earned it. I have been needing other to tell me I am worthy… Ouch… In reality the only person who needs to say I earn it is me. For only I know if I have done the work to reach that level of awareness about my own self. I am the customer and everyone else is the cashier. Hello cashier, Have I paid for my own awareness yet? What makes me feel like I need someone elses approval to be in a new plane of awareness? Ya know, my entire life I worked towards winning other peoples approval. From my Grandparents ( who still don’t think I am good enough) to my parents ( who I have been afraid of disappointing because my grandparents have been disappointed in my since the moment I was conceived) to all of my friends and employers. People I have dated, to people I work with in counseling. I have been terrified to disappoint people my whole life because I felt like I was a disappointment from the time the sperm hit the egg. Wow…