Those Dark hallways

Admittedly, Up until my last blog post I was feeling completely stuck and like I have been wasting precious time doing nothing in NC. However, after typing that and reflecting on other things I have learned since I returned to my home town here in NC.  I felt as if I had put myself in situation for no reason other than to feel stuck. Have been feeling like a fool for doing so. In fact, I have realized it takes more for me to stay stationary than the move around and travel. How ridiculous is that?

I have been pressured over and over to get a job, have been ridiculed for being a hippie and called a bum.  Every time I’ve turned around I am being called a witch for having a way with animals and getting anything to grow from nothing.  I have realized how much money it takes to truly get off of the grid… Am I the only one who thinks that is the dumbest thing? It takes a lot of money to be free from money.  And then in this society you’re never truly free from money.  There are still property taxes, and a few odds and ends that you need.  Still haven’t found a suitable toilet paper solution lol.

Anyways, the point being, I have let my fears over whelm my desires. I have become stuck in ways of thought and fear. I have allowed myself to begin to be sucked into other people’s ways of thought of fear of my own ways.   I have lost track of something, and I am not sure what.  I am determined still to have my dreams become my reality, however I have closed many doors to those dreams myself in the recent months passed.  I know that they are still there and waiting for me. But, I am afraid.  For a while I felt like I had lost those dreams to my own fear, I realized after my last blog that they hadn’t gone anywhere. I was learning many lessons here and healing wounds I have caused. 

I saw the hallway I have been standing in light up, it was no longer dark, I could see I was not alone. In fact I can now see all the people in my life and can see their true feelings and desires, not the egoic responses I get. I can see I am being rooted on to take life by the balls and hold on for a wild ride.  And I can see all of those doorways.  My fear showed me the wild ride to be the angry bull I was climbing on, but now I see that it’s not at all! It’s a raft in my river of life. I know there will be bumps and turns, and I know I will fall out in to the rapids on occasion. But my raft buddies, They will never let me drown, picking and teasing me ensue once lives are rescued from the rapids, But it’s in all good fun.

It seems so long now, that the tears ran like rivers

Seems many years ago now, but I guess not so many. Maybe because since then though life yes has been a whirl wind, it has been full and adventurous. A life time of amazement, in a short period of time. I laid in an apartment floor on a cold winter evening. Crying. Another panic attack taken a hold of me.  Fighting for meditation I had been learning to control this problem.  I had came across the idea only days, maybe weeks, who knows, before from my roommate who so bluntly offered me the advice to learn the art of meditation, or said more like this, "Dude, you need to learn to meditate." Was left just like that, like a major cliff hanger to a movie, no advice on how to do it or where to start. To just start.

This at the time seemed cruel and more of a joke than anything, but alas what did I have to Lose? My sanity? HAHA, well yes, that is gone. But was going anyways from the tormented nights of tears and the days of chewing over every detail of my life until that moment. Beating myself up for all the wrongs I had done and judging the wrong other had. I was mad at my roommate for a couple of days honestly. I felt like I had been handed an amazing option, locked in a glass case. So I researched it, Learned what I could about it. Finally Tried it. Anyways, back on topic.  I hadn't became strong n the art, and was not sure how to get into a calm meditative state to calm this attack yet.

I lay there shaking, begging for this to just stop. I just wanted it to end, to be better, to not have to go any further. I begged a god I had stopped believing in long before. Ironic where we turn when we are at our supposed weakest huh? I didn't want to believe in this god who created me the way I was to HATE me, to PUNISH me with a life I felt then was terrible. I did not want to believe in such a cruel god, and awful vengeful man who treated us like ants under a magnifying glass! But I turn to beg his help in my weakest hour.

The tears stream down, my mind racing with all of my wrongs, the hate and contempt for myself that filled me. The floor at this point had became my friend in these moments, its aged carpet and worn out padding held me, cushioned me and did not offer the potential of falling like my bed did. The floor helped slowly sooth me back to calmness, the coolness from his lack of insulation calmed my body into comatose and allowed me to rest my head for a nap once the shaking retreated for a few more hours, or a day with luck. I lay here on my old friend, ungrateful of his sacrifice to my aid, finally calming and not effected by the coldness of the floor or the air surrounding me. Almost as if I have had a blanket laid over me to protect me from the bitter cold.





An invisible blanket placed upon my being by an unseen force. It brought me into a state of peace. Relaxation.   I no longer feel alone at this point, for I am no longer alone. The need to judge my past is subsided, and the future feels unimportant. I close my eyes, and feel the words to calm, for I am safe. That it will be alright, because I am protected and taken care of. A feeling of pure unconditional love pours over me like a warm bath. I know god in this moment. And this IS NOT the god I was told about. This MY god. I have, since then held onto this peace. But not the story. Not until of recent. A singer we all know, and that I enjoy very much. Taylor Swift, has sang the words so perfectly that I felt this day, the one that feels so long ago now. Safe and sound.

The Pain of true Loneliness.

So here I set, wondering what I am supposed to do. I have came so far, and for what? To know me on a deeper level than I have ever known, pealed away layer upon layer of falsehood I had built to please others view of me. To try and share what I have discovered and be answered with a blank stare and obvious judgments of craziness. To not even be able to walk through a mall without getting those stares, and people avoiding being near me. That is without even talking to them, just simply minding my business and wandering through the stores with a void of human thought. To be left feeling alienated from everything I have ever known and even from new things in my life. To feel alone for that first time in a long time. To physically be almost completely alone. Unable to share the depth of thought I have now with people, the tap into the understanding I have of many things. Only a small group of people can I actually speak with and them understand what I am saying. As if I am speaking a different language to people than I have ever spoken to them.

I can tell you knowing me as deeply as I do is the most amazing and worth while gift I have ever given myself. The peace I find on the inside is something that I could never trade. Trust me, I have considered giving away my gift willingly to try and live the existence everyone expects of me. I have thought about just giving it all up and acting as if it does not exist and pretend to be like everyone else. I can't even fathom the idea of doing such. I think these thoughts and I am consumed with this misery that I could never willingly put upon myself and survive it. So I know just playing "human" would not work for me in the slightest at this point. Though it doesn't seem it from above knowing me is a feeling that removes loneliness most experience daily within themselves that is not satisfied by friends and lovers. The Loneliness I am experiencing is of the thought of ignoring the things I know, and of realizing that I do not fit into my old life anymore and not knowing where to go from here.

For I know with each layer of false bullshit I have built upon myself I remove, I will be one step farther away from that and still not knowing where I am going or where I fit in, in this world. If I fit in, in this world at all, at least with out being called crazy, stupid, insane, having add or another one of the millions excuses people will find to label me with to feel comfortable around me for more than a few minutes at a time.

I could just drop my travels and go "home", where ever that is anymore.  Stop working on me and forget about all that I know now. I could write a book with the knowledge I have acquired, and reach millions of people. I could continue to travel reaching my destination of Mt. Shasta, Ca. Find out what pulls me there so ridiculously and be more than I am now and that much farther from acceptance into this world. I could lose myself in myself just to escape the judgments and ridicule for being different and crazy. I could choose to check out like so my ascended masters before. Feeling as if it is not worth the time anymore to try. To be labeled as a fool with fool dreams and crazy ideas on how life works. Though they are for my life and not others. I could be like Noah, who just keeps building my ark, knowing in the end that shits hitting the fan and this is how I save myself from this. I want the full enlightenment of knowing me to the deepest part of me, which is to know the deepest part of everything in the universe. But what cost does this bring me? At what cost does it bring me to not reach for what we are all set to reach towards? Which one truly hurts more?

In this moment...the feeling of being completely alone in the world hurts, it bring me to tears. It hurts more than any hurt I have ever felt. More than lonely this worlds has defined, More than the "broken heart", more than any physical injury I have ever had. This make me truly run cold, it cuts through me like a knife with no mercy. Hitting the deepest part of my soul and being twisted. I know I want to know me to the deepest part of me, and I know this pain wont last. But I can tell you in this moment, I only know this pain. 

I approve of not needing approval Part two

So on that note, I have felt like I was a disappointment my entire life to everyone. In reality this idea that I am and will always be unless I follow these standards that have been set in front of me was built in a long time ago, and allowed myself to believe them this whole time. So I have been disappointing myself based off of other expectations of me. Then the people who are disappointed by “me” are really disappointed in their on abilities to not meet their own standards of life. This is amazing. I am in Awe.

These standards that were laid out in front of me to fail over are as such:
Be a doctor, make a lot of money (because only the rich are happy)
, help others (LMAO go back to the beginning of needing to help others to help myself), Have been married with children by now
, be straight, and do all of this in a town that is dieing and doesn’t even have a decent job to sustain this lifestyle I am supposed to have to be happy. Another words I was set up to fail there. So then I have been search of approval since. My spirituality is mine and I hold firm to my own convictions there. My travels are mine and I hold firm to my convictions there as well. But I do not need approval from people for them. I do not need to help others to help myself. Through Helping myself I help others. I do not need to be a fucking doctor to heal people (in fact most doctors only treat symptoms), I can heal people without chemicals and surgeries. I do not need a proof of purchase stamp of approval from anyone but me.

What is funny is all the issues I have been chewing through in my mind have been centered around the insecurity of not being good enough. This Has branched out for more than 23 years now.  Though I accepted a long time ago that I could never get approval from certain members of my family for my life. I have treated the cause and not removed the symptoms that had began to branch out in many ways. I now accept my own life, and my abilities. I accept that I don’t need to be a doctor or go through college for years upon years to make money or be happy. I accept that I do not need to help others to help myself. My lessons do not have to be others lessons.


This insecurity truly effects every aspect of my life. Including this blogg, I have been feeling that because followers haven’t been going  up, even though views and traffic is through the roof compared to past months that I was not getting approval and wasn’t good enough. In reality because I was not accepting myself for not being enough that I have been keeping myself from the potential that I have in this blog. Also in all the other fields that I endevour into. I have been to busy trying to prove I am not attached to realize that I truly am not. HAHAHAHA, I have been to busy trying to prove that these things don’t bother me to realize they really don’t bother me. I wasn’t accepting that I wasn’t attached to these things because they didn’t have the stamp of approval. When in reality I wasn’t realizing that The approval I am searching for I wasn’t attached to even finding, because I had already approved of it myself and wasn’t accepting that I had learned these lessons. Because in my twisted mind I was looking for approval to not be attached to not needing approval. Which make me see that every time I got this approval I wasn’t grateful for it, because I had surpassed this place and hadn’t accepted myself for have surpassed it. Another words this whole time I have been living in the circle of thinking I wanted something I wasn’t attached to. Because the idea that I need it was still in my mind.

Hey guess what??!?!? I approve of not needing approval LOL. For I am not attached to the approval, which I was (even just a moment ago it would read to you guys, but I actually stopped typing and came back to this) taking in my own mind as me being ungrateful for what my ego was in search of. In reality I am grateful for everyone who is in approval, but I am not attached to it. I owe a lot of people an apology, Co-dependently  I have been searching for approval in you instead realizing the only approval I was wanting was the approval from myself to not need approval from others. I love you all….


The Wonderer.