The Pain of true Loneliness.

So here I set, wondering what I am supposed to do. I have came so far, and for what? To know me on a deeper level than I have ever known, pealed away layer upon layer of falsehood I had built to please others view of me. To try and share what I have discovered and be answered with a blank stare and obvious judgments of craziness. To not even be able to walk through a mall without getting those stares, and people avoiding being near me. That is without even talking to them, just simply minding my business and wandering through the stores with a void of human thought. To be left feeling alienated from everything I have ever known and even from new things in my life. To feel alone for that first time in a long time. To physically be almost completely alone. Unable to share the depth of thought I have now with people, the tap into the understanding I have of many things. Only a small group of people can I actually speak with and them understand what I am saying. As if I am speaking a different language to people than I have ever spoken to them.

I can tell you knowing me as deeply as I do is the most amazing and worth while gift I have ever given myself. The peace I find on the inside is something that I could never trade. Trust me, I have considered giving away my gift willingly to try and live the existence everyone expects of me. I have thought about just giving it all up and acting as if it does not exist and pretend to be like everyone else. I can't even fathom the idea of doing such. I think these thoughts and I am consumed with this misery that I could never willingly put upon myself and survive it. So I know just playing "human" would not work for me in the slightest at this point. Though it doesn't seem it from above knowing me is a feeling that removes loneliness most experience daily within themselves that is not satisfied by friends and lovers. The Loneliness I am experiencing is of the thought of ignoring the things I know, and of realizing that I do not fit into my old life anymore and not knowing where to go from here.

For I know with each layer of false bullshit I have built upon myself I remove, I will be one step farther away from that and still not knowing where I am going or where I fit in, in this world. If I fit in, in this world at all, at least with out being called crazy, stupid, insane, having add or another one of the millions excuses people will find to label me with to feel comfortable around me for more than a few minutes at a time.

I could just drop my travels and go "home", where ever that is anymore.  Stop working on me and forget about all that I know now. I could write a book with the knowledge I have acquired, and reach millions of people. I could continue to travel reaching my destination of Mt. Shasta, Ca. Find out what pulls me there so ridiculously and be more than I am now and that much farther from acceptance into this world. I could lose myself in myself just to escape the judgments and ridicule for being different and crazy. I could choose to check out like so my ascended masters before. Feeling as if it is not worth the time anymore to try. To be labeled as a fool with fool dreams and crazy ideas on how life works. Though they are for my life and not others. I could be like Noah, who just keeps building my ark, knowing in the end that shits hitting the fan and this is how I save myself from this. I want the full enlightenment of knowing me to the deepest part of me, which is to know the deepest part of everything in the universe. But what cost does this bring me? At what cost does it bring me to not reach for what we are all set to reach towards? Which one truly hurts more?

In this moment...the feeling of being completely alone in the world hurts, it bring me to tears. It hurts more than any hurt I have ever felt. More than lonely this worlds has defined, More than the "broken heart", more than any physical injury I have ever had. This make me truly run cold, it cuts through me like a knife with no mercy. Hitting the deepest part of my soul and being twisted. I know I want to know me to the deepest part of me, and I know this pain wont last. But I can tell you in this moment, I only know this pain. 

Buzz Buzz Imma Bee! I will pump my bee juice in you!

As most of you know at this point I have been in Idaho falls, well, near Idaho falls. We’ve been camping in Kelly Canyon near Idaho falls area. My friend Janet and I have been here for nearly a week at this point camping out in this I have to say pretty kick ass spot. Perfect view for sun rise and just over the hill perfect for sun set. Can’t ask for anything better! Not only that access is rather easy, but still very quiet. Plus the area was already clear. So can’t go wrong here! There is however one flaw, there’s not toilet seat! Sigh

We have got the tent area set up just right and fire pit already constructed (with a few tweeks) and we ourselves built a little shelter out of pine branches to chill under when it is really hot out! Another words for a crazy guy like me, well I could live here. Well I would prefer a little cabin and I would be good to go!

Since we have been here we have been hiking  a couple of times. One of those times we were walking over a pile of old dry wood. (great idea eh?)
This is where the unthinkable happened! Que serious background music! We disturbed a bee’s nest! OMG AAHHHH! The plus side was they had settled for the night, it was in the midst of twilight and as anyone with a brain of some sort knows bees like to sleep early, for they like to be up at the ass crack of dawn to annoy the piss out of anyone who can hear them. Yes, that my friends is the real and ONLY reason they want to get up that early, so they have all waking hours to try and piss something off! Okay, Back on topic. Luckily for us they weren’t already swarming, for like I said they were asleep. I am behind Janet on this hike and Happen hear a very loud buzzing look over and OH SHIT! I yell RUN. She doesn’t think twice, takes off, as do I. I get away scott free. She got away for MAJOR woundage! Two whole bee stings! Okay, okay. Not major, But not pleasant. Getting stung isn’t like sex here, it hurts. They are creating a hole ( not using one that’s already there) to put their mean bee juice in you!



Then a couple days later we came across the fact that there is an underground bees nest right near camp that we have moved pasted and around many times. But now we are all nervous and quite haven’t decided how to remove these demonic creatures! Well, demonic is a strong word. But  creatures that don’t like us to bug them… haha, bug. Get it! Funny they don’t like us to bug them because I have came to a revelation about them. We are just like them. People I mean. (just thought I would specify)

Look at the similarities, Like them we work and work and work. And for what? To hand it to the “rulers”. We work like drones and think nothing else of life besides work and that’s all. Then if something bothers our own little colony and ATTACK , get pissed off, ATTACK SOME More, then rebuild and go back to working.  So the statement rat race is officially changed to Bee race and I still wont play along!


Love
Wonderer

Fuck off, its Houseless! LOL

So this has came up A LOT along my journey and I wasn’t sure how I felt about this idea, or being called such. I have now decided I am quite alright with it and I can still have a smile on my face and be as happy as I ever was. This idea of Homeless… it’s a name with a bad vibe to it for most people, it’s a terrible thing and to end up that way you MUST abuse substances. Well granted there are people out there who have ended up on the streets for this and people who have ended up on the streets for other reasons (economy just might be shit, Just say’n) and there are the ones who have ended up as such, well, by choice. I know for people the idea of CHOOSING to be this so called “homeless” is crazy, over the top, this person MUST be committed for their own good. Someone who would choose to live in tune with nature and out of the rat race of, to be honest is stupid and pointless in my view, why is this so bad?

Getting back to the Basics! Janet Louise is NOW living her true American dream!

So here is a follow up. My good friend Janet has joined me adventuring a while. She has been in need of good adventure, and in need of getting back to her own basics.


I don't know about you, but when I first heard about Zachy's adventure, I felt a pang of envy course through me. I've often secretly fantasized about leaving behind all of the expectations of the world, longing to float through the ebb and flow of life, guided by my intuition and desires.

Fast forward a couple of months, and here I am, joining up with The Wonderer on our own series of adventures. I am very well aware that mainstream culture perceives these choices as eccentric and bizarre, however, I obviously don't care much how others judge or criticize me. I lived my life attempting to please others for far too many years to ever step back into that nightmare, (though my fear of judgment still rears its ugly head sometimes).

When I let go of the traditional role I am expected to fill as a woman, a mother, an American, and a human being, I embrace that new found opportunity to define my own role. In my new version, it is very easy to walk away from the rat race - from the obligation to buy into the chaos that has become so common in every day life. I've spent years longing for simplicity, without ever having the courage to take purposeful steps towards that end.

And now, as I've packed up 99% of all of my belongings and put them in storage, I put myself in a situation where I had to choose what my most prized possessions are - what is essential for living and survival. I've got the opportunity in my hands right now to re-evaluate my lifestyle, from top to bottom, scale back to the absolute bare minimum, and then move forward with my new convictions.

What a fantastic opportunity! It is so freeing to let go of my attachment to THINGS, to escape from the labels and identifications that come from material possessions.

As a mother, I've been looking at what it is that I ought to be providing for my little family. Traditional paradigms suggest that I need to provide a 3-4 bedroom home for them, with lots of storage space for toys, electronics, clothes, and all manner of material possessions. Because I'm divorced, their lifestyle should be duplicated at both households, and they should never want for anything.....

I've had to dig deep lately to reveal to myself how I really feel about what a mother should provide for her family. And I disagree with the modern, traditional paradigm. I want to provide my children with the example of a mother who chooses to live her authentic life rather than playing the people's game. I want to provide them with an environment of unconditional love and acceptance - the feeling that they belong, that they are 'home'. And I wholeheartedly believe I can provide this for them, without buying into a 3 level townhouse that comes with 2 1/2 bathrooms.

My goal is to simplify and become a practicing minimalist. Fortunately, my children will have the chance to grow up seeing what life looks like on both sides of the coin - from a household where all the typical Americanized amenities are available, and a household where love, simplicity, and presence are the highest of priorities.

Getting back to the basics brings my heart such joy, it's ridiculous! I long for simple days where twilight signals bedtime, and we rise with the sun every morning - where we re-align ourselves with the rhythm of Mother Nature. I yearn to eat what nourishes the body, not what can be re-heated in a microwave. I seek to withdraw from the media, from that influence, and settle into a cycle of harmony with myself and my surroundings.

Stepping away from life-as-we-know-it may be the single most important step I've taken in the past few years. My time spent 'wondering' with Zachy is helping me dig deep to my core beliefs and bring them into manifestation. Simplicity. Alignment. Natural. Authentic. These are the words I choose to define my role, my life.

Janet Louise