The Pain of true Loneliness.

So here I set, wondering what I am supposed to do. I have came so far, and for what? To know me on a deeper level than I have ever known, pealed away layer upon layer of falsehood I had built to please others view of me. To try and share what I have discovered and be answered with a blank stare and obvious judgments of craziness. To not even be able to walk through a mall without getting those stares, and people avoiding being near me. That is without even talking to them, just simply minding my business and wandering through the stores with a void of human thought. To be left feeling alienated from everything I have ever known and even from new things in my life. To feel alone for that first time in a long time. To physically be almost completely alone. Unable to share the depth of thought I have now with people, the tap into the understanding I have of many things. Only a small group of people can I actually speak with and them understand what I am saying. As if I am speaking a different language to people than I have ever spoken to them.

I can tell you knowing me as deeply as I do is the most amazing and worth while gift I have ever given myself. The peace I find on the inside is something that I could never trade. Trust me, I have considered giving away my gift willingly to try and live the existence everyone expects of me. I have thought about just giving it all up and acting as if it does not exist and pretend to be like everyone else. I can't even fathom the idea of doing such. I think these thoughts and I am consumed with this misery that I could never willingly put upon myself and survive it. So I know just playing "human" would not work for me in the slightest at this point. Though it doesn't seem it from above knowing me is a feeling that removes loneliness most experience daily within themselves that is not satisfied by friends and lovers. The Loneliness I am experiencing is of the thought of ignoring the things I know, and of realizing that I do not fit into my old life anymore and not knowing where to go from here.

For I know with each layer of false bullshit I have built upon myself I remove, I will be one step farther away from that and still not knowing where I am going or where I fit in, in this world. If I fit in, in this world at all, at least with out being called crazy, stupid, insane, having add or another one of the millions excuses people will find to label me with to feel comfortable around me for more than a few minutes at a time.

I could just drop my travels and go "home", where ever that is anymore.  Stop working on me and forget about all that I know now. I could write a book with the knowledge I have acquired, and reach millions of people. I could continue to travel reaching my destination of Mt. Shasta, Ca. Find out what pulls me there so ridiculously and be more than I am now and that much farther from acceptance into this world. I could lose myself in myself just to escape the judgments and ridicule for being different and crazy. I could choose to check out like so my ascended masters before. Feeling as if it is not worth the time anymore to try. To be labeled as a fool with fool dreams and crazy ideas on how life works. Though they are for my life and not others. I could be like Noah, who just keeps building my ark, knowing in the end that shits hitting the fan and this is how I save myself from this. I want the full enlightenment of knowing me to the deepest part of me, which is to know the deepest part of everything in the universe. But what cost does this bring me? At what cost does it bring me to not reach for what we are all set to reach towards? Which one truly hurts more?

In this moment...the feeling of being completely alone in the world hurts, it bring me to tears. It hurts more than any hurt I have ever felt. More than lonely this worlds has defined, More than the "broken heart", more than any physical injury I have ever had. This make me truly run cold, it cuts through me like a knife with no mercy. Hitting the deepest part of my soul and being twisted. I know I want to know me to the deepest part of me, and I know this pain wont last. But I can tell you in this moment, I only know this pain. 

I am who I am... It is what it is!

What If?

Recently I have been doing more soul searching and reaching deep with in myself. Really taking a hard look at Zachy for who he really is. Crazy guy, makes dirty jokes, very spiritual. Blah blah blah, the Shallow list of douche canoery could flow all day long of things I know and like about myself. How ever My mind has been in many places for a while now. Thinking of the what ifs in my life. Looking at the different paths I could have taken or even explored more thoroughly before I decided they weren’t my cup of tea.  Like going back to school, like my family has been very insistent on, or finding a great paying job and getting the “luxury items” I keep getting told are needed for a happy life. Yes I spout out that these things are not needed, and I firmly believe that. For I can tell you , YES friend I am happy with my life.  However, the fact still remains, sometimes I wonder who I would be IF I had all of these things? Would I still be the me I know exists her and now? Would I be someone different, and still be happy with that person.  Would my passions be fulfilled? Like Traveling extensively, and meditating, Drawing and art. Would I still be getting to know the real me or would I still be portraying the person I think I SHOULD be. But, not who I truly am. 

Just a Hippie

I am pretty much a free spirited hippie to be honest. My love for traveling goes beyond traveling. My passion for the world around me is so much deeper than a television or a book can portray.  I am a Gypsy, a Hippie, a nerd,   someone who’s thoughts go deeper than what time my favorite program comes on or how crappy my job is. I am more in touch with nature and the universe and myself than I am with other people. Yes I tend to be out going and Charismatic. But to really be that connected with humanity in the way humanity expects, well is next to obsolete for me. That does not mean I am not connected to humanity, Just not in the way that is expected. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like to be more co dependent on humanity and feel like I owe the world more than I feel. But I cannot imagine that anymore. I know for many that’s a turn off and I cannot apologize for being as close to my true self as I am at the moment I am typing this. Just remember, I do care, just now how you want me to. I also find my attachment to nature, universe and myself is the same as I have for people. However, not being attached to humanity is the way expected of me makes me often feel disconnected. Granted, and admittedly, that is within myself that I feel that, making it my issue and my own expectations of society to accept me for being me.  How can I set here and expect people to just understand these things? When They are expecting me to just fit their mold… Truth is I can’t. So I am going to work on not expecting it, just simply living my life and loving everything. 

                                          I'm Not Crazy

That’s what I am going to do. I am releasing my expectations of humanity accepting me for my “eccentricities” and expectations of myself at any point fitting this mold of person I am supposed to be. I release the labels I hold that set these expectations in place and I release myself to be who I am.  Who I always was, who I always will be and Who I always work towards being.  I am and that is what is, what I is. 

I am

Some days my hair is nasty, I havent shaved my beard in a long time, Some days I will smell of body odor and travel. Some times I am calm and collected, In thought and out going. Sometimes Dirty jokes will go over my head and other I will make  the worst ones possible. Sometimes I will have great ideas and other is wont. Great quotes and bad ones. In the end though, none of this matters . For I am  and that is what is it. Plain and Simple

Love 

Me