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Monday, June 6, 2011

Go Inside or go without!

I wonder, how many of us don’t always stand up for ourselves on something?  As I set here on the balcony at my moms, I find myself in a mixture of emotions. I have recently found myself in a similar situation where I felt like I needed someones approval who would not give me such. My grandparents. They have been completely against my trip from the start. Have thought of any way  possible to try and get me to be afraid of it. Have even went as far as calling me dumb for it. Though I wasn’t allowing their words, or their fears stop me from going on my trip, I was feeling like I needed their approval. I mean they are my grandparents. They hand a large hand in my up bringing and are very close family. They are older than me, Which to most says wiser ( or what people say is the same Smarter) Either way I was allowing myself to feel like I needed their approval. It was Plaguing me quite a bit. Why was I feeling this? Are they right? Is this a half baked idea to go backpacking? Why does it seem to matter so much? Why can’t I just get approval to live my life the way I want to live it? Is that so fucking wrong?

Though looking at it and asking my self these questions and more, I realized, I don’t need their approval. what was bothering me was that I am still insecure about my decisions.  Because I have always had that person to tell me they weren’t good choices, that I was wrong and this is the better way to do this. Like many of us . So because of  me allowing their words to effect me due to my insecurity of my own choices on how to lead my life I was upset. Yes I wasn’t letting them effect me in  the way of stopping me from doing it, but internally I was allowing them not approving my trip to enable this insecurity in my self , and was allowing it to be fed with this feeling of needing approval. But from who do I need it? The only person I need approval from is me. I am the only one who knows how to lead my life. I Knew I needed to say something. Not to make a point to them, But for me. I realized the problem wasn’t them. They weren’t going to change, But I Am changing. So the call takes place, and I start to say these things again, but mean them. (yes I’ve said them before and meant them for that moment, but I wasn’t believing them For a while. Now I am and Have to say it aloud. Though I didn’t get to say it in the words I deemed appropriate before hand I got it out of me. Felt freeing to me. I felt like I  had finally released myself to live my life the way I know hoe to live it. With only one persons approval that will control my destiny. Mine.

Though It has been said and I probably will need to say it again, I know it will still take work on my part to make it completely a reality. What throws me off is every time I say it to them, they seem to understand and they calm down with the bashes the fears, the insults. Though I know their fears are still there,  I now see that they see that I have control of my life. No matter how loose the plans for it seem or crazy it is. I have it set in a way I am totally and completely happy. I am glad that I say what I need to say. With out standing firm in ones truth and not swaying in it you lose part of you. You allow control from others upon your life. So I wonder still. Has any one else found themselves in a situation where they have to stand up in their truth? With that, who has let their truth slip from their fingers, and loose another part of yourself? Did you feel it sink back down into your being, awaiting your acceptance and love? I love you all, And I love your truth. Live in it.

Love and Peace

Zach AKA The Wonderer.

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