It seems so long now, that the tears ran like rivers

Seems many years ago now, but I guess not so many. Maybe because since then though life yes has been a whirl wind, it has been full and adventurous. A life time of amazement, in a short period of time. I laid in an apartment floor on a cold winter evening. Crying. Another panic attack taken a hold of me.  Fighting for meditation I had been learning to control this problem.  I had came across the idea only days, maybe weeks, who knows, before from my roommate who so bluntly offered me the advice to learn the art of meditation, or said more like this, "Dude, you need to learn to meditate." Was left just like that, like a major cliff hanger to a movie, no advice on how to do it or where to start. To just start.

This at the time seemed cruel and more of a joke than anything, but alas what did I have to Lose? My sanity? HAHA, well yes, that is gone. But was going anyways from the tormented nights of tears and the days of chewing over every detail of my life until that moment. Beating myself up for all the wrongs I had done and judging the wrong other had. I was mad at my roommate for a couple of days honestly. I felt like I had been handed an amazing option, locked in a glass case. So I researched it, Learned what I could about it. Finally Tried it. Anyways, back on topic.  I hadn't became strong n the art, and was not sure how to get into a calm meditative state to calm this attack yet.

I lay there shaking, begging for this to just stop. I just wanted it to end, to be better, to not have to go any further. I begged a god I had stopped believing in long before. Ironic where we turn when we are at our supposed weakest huh? I didn't want to believe in this god who created me the way I was to HATE me, to PUNISH me with a life I felt then was terrible. I did not want to believe in such a cruel god, and awful vengeful man who treated us like ants under a magnifying glass! But I turn to beg his help in my weakest hour.

The tears stream down, my mind racing with all of my wrongs, the hate and contempt for myself that filled me. The floor at this point had became my friend in these moments, its aged carpet and worn out padding held me, cushioned me and did not offer the potential of falling like my bed did. The floor helped slowly sooth me back to calmness, the coolness from his lack of insulation calmed my body into comatose and allowed me to rest my head for a nap once the shaking retreated for a few more hours, or a day with luck. I lay here on my old friend, ungrateful of his sacrifice to my aid, finally calming and not effected by the coldness of the floor or the air surrounding me. Almost as if I have had a blanket laid over me to protect me from the bitter cold.





An invisible blanket placed upon my being by an unseen force. It brought me into a state of peace. Relaxation.   I no longer feel alone at this point, for I am no longer alone. The need to judge my past is subsided, and the future feels unimportant. I close my eyes, and feel the words to calm, for I am safe. That it will be alright, because I am protected and taken care of. A feeling of pure unconditional love pours over me like a warm bath. I know god in this moment. And this IS NOT the god I was told about. This MY god. I have, since then held onto this peace. But not the story. Not until of recent. A singer we all know, and that I enjoy very much. Taylor Swift, has sang the words so perfectly that I felt this day, the one that feels so long ago now. Safe and sound.

Hello.

My mind is enwrapped in many thoughts tonight, my emotions are stable. The silence is peaceful and intoxicating, yet maddening and loud at the same moment. All the seconds seem like minutes and the minutes hours. But when I look down for the time, I can only wonder where it has gone. Where does it go? The conclusion is the light ache from my side or swimming of thoughts through my mind to my eyes. Thoughts of the farm, the work I need to accomplish, my travels (or lack there of), the twin bed that calls my name as it taunts at the fact the single is the state I am meant for now. The peace that brings and the desire for otherwise. A deep sigh, a slight ache and a smile. Time for sleep, Time for meditation. Here is my God, In the fabric of every detail. Hello. 

It's time for a revolution

Ya know friends, I have been sort of following the protests of recent. I am rather amused by it to be honest. Yes great cause I believe, but we are buying the supplies to picket them from them. Kind of defeats the purpose. Though, oddly enough I want to go join in this. It would be amazing experience. There are tons of groups up there and all over the country. It is about time people are tired enough of the system to stand up and say it as whole. It is past time that we all stop just complaining and DO something about it. Amazingness. People are finally taking action, what a beautiful thing. Who all is tired of being broke? Of fighting for these things they say we need, but we can't seem to reach? Tired of worrying about what they will crash next? Tired of feeling to small to have your way? Well peeps here is the chance. GO FOR IT!

Excitement builds for my projects, and people reaching out!

Today Is awesome! I have been in contact with many people today, almost everyone of them is either A wanting  to be part of a self sustaining community, has great ideas and are up to trade or a mixture of the two. How awesome is this for me? This is laying our for me as well. Great things. People all over the country working on the same things in different ways and different ideas to be self sustaining. This has renewed my excitement that had not even began to fade in the slightest.

With the built excitement for this project I already have I have millions of ideas flowing through me. With what i have in my mind and with the proper resources this could easily get off the ground and going in no time! How amazing is that! I am so excited about this. I want to start posting ideas that I have, but I want to work with them and prefect them before I do that. I know they will work and I have no doubt in the success of this project. I am in love with all of this. I really am. Thank you Universe for entrusting with this amazingness!

Stepping into the next chapter with the new season and new month!

It is now the end of September, October rolling in will full force and willingness to bring the beautiful leaves with it. Perfect time to travel cross country. Seeing the scenery all the way across. I am the perfect state of mind to remove more of the clutter in my mind and let it fall away. I am in the mood to travel across country and to see the beauty out east a while. To see family and finally let them in completely. I am also ready to start my new projects while my travels are on hold for a while. There is plenty to keep me occupied a while. Which is perfection. I love it.

I have been putting thought in to the idea of stepping back into life the way in which I was living. But I do not seeing that being possible. Working the way I was, the way I was living. I cant even imagine it. Which is okay, it was not fitting of who I was and this is the season of release. So instead trying to imagine it I am going to release it with love of the knowledge that I know It served me perfectly for what i was supposed to to. I leave it with gratitude and appreciation.  I am stepping into a new chapter of my own life, a new experience. I am excited for it!!

Attached Cycles will be removed!

I've got some funny things today. Today I have had my mind wrapped around going back east for a while. Completely ignoring the attachment I had to getting there I have been saying for a long time now I am not attached to the outcome to everyone, and for a long time I have not been attached to the outcome of anything. So for me to realize my attachment to this was completely amusing to me. I revealed in this, laugh at this, and could not help but grin from ridiculous amounts of time about this. I had to tell everyone around me. Which got me some funny looks, but that is okay. This moment was amazing to have, I love it. I love the fact that I got to experience it and realize I have been. The feeling is slight annoyance, but a lot of confused thoughts. ( That is because I have a lot on my mind I still need to sort through).So put the two together and you have the average mind. At least what I remember when I used to be like that years ago. Has been ridiculous and awesomeness. Man I love when I get to experience those things.

When one gets to experience moments they don't enjoy so much, it makes the great ones that much more appreciated and memorable. Though I have not removed the attachment, I am learning from it. I know , I know what makes sense is to remove that and move on. However, this way I can learn the ins and outs of it. Learn how I allow the pattern to overcome me and my symptoms of it. Basically through this I can learn to cure this. That way later down the road I wont have it happen, at least sneak up on me haha!

There it is, I have my moments. Though I have learned how to enjoy them rather than be upset with them. I <3 me.

A cluttered Mind is a sign of Satan!

My mind is full, Overly full tonight. There are so many thoughts floating around and much more to sort through.  I feel lost in all of it right now. It feels like I am in an unfamiliar jungle of my own mind. A place I have sorted through and sorted through and put into files and cabinets. Labeled perfectly so I could find what I was looking for. This is another layer of my own mind I have picked through and looked at, played with and was amused by. But now I have plunged head first into the muck. Not sure which way to start going, which direction to submerge  myself to begin ordering. See what i have thrown into this room and left undiscovered for this long.

I am at this moment in a mess in my mind and not very sure what to look for or where to look. I could start tossing things. However, I know in this process if you just toss with out looking you can easily invite it back in without knowing you are. So I must carefully and patiently look through all the leaves and paper with scribbles read whats on the trunks of the jungle trees and see what I have tacked to the sky. I must look at it all and know weather I need it or not. If I plan to hold on to it, how does it fit? Where must this go? What tree did this leaf of scribbles come off of?

Yes, you're reading this all confused and perfectly right if this is the case. For you're imagining a room that is a jungle with a  sky filing cabinets standing open leaves and papers every where, including tacked to the sky. Now add a few more layers of papers and leaves, at least to your neck. Throw in a few animals looking at you neck deep in this mess with a look that says, "Dude, this is a mess... You gonna get to cleaning or are you gonna hang out neck deep in shit?" Haha. This is not a bad place. Actually quite the opposite, this is an amazing place. Overwhelming a bit, but amazing. This means I am another level deeper into myself. Once I am not overwhelmed I will be able to knock through this quickly. I am excited to be here, I am sure I will learn way cool things about me I long since buried down here. A tactic to convince myself it is to difficult to know me. But It wont win! I will get through this :-)

Release of fall!

This is my favorite season! It is so beautiful, the colors and the the brisk autumn air. The Peace that comes with it. The apples and cider, pumpkin pie and the harvesting. the smell It creates is something amazing to me. It makes me feel brand new every time it comes around. I love riding up into the mountains and looking off into the leaves and knowing no matter where I am, I am home in that beauty. It makes me so happy. I love being able to pull out my scarf and coat. Opening the windows and airing every thing out. Halloween! The idea of the worlds ports being open to one another clearly for travel between. And naturally the tons of candy lol.

What I love most of all is fall is for letting go of the old ways that no longer fit who you are. Allowing the release of the old thoughts that pull us backwards. I love to release old habits that do not fit me. This is why ( in my belief) fall most of us had sinus drainage. Stuffy noses and lots of "lung Butter" from our head releasing all these things we have been holding on to in a physical way. I love being able to blow my nose. Each time I know I am getting rid of something I was holding onto inside of me that had the potential to make me more sick if i had held onto it.

So don't be upset when your sinus's are dumping all it's contents, it is all part of the natural release of fall to let go of the old. So that the new and better for you can come in in the spring. 

Consciousness

"To be conscious of ones self is to be conscious of everything in the universe"-Zachy Adams, aka The Wonderer

Opening up!

Hi all!

Last I checked in with all of you I was feeling really alone. When I realized that not all people in my life had left, I had forgotten to open up to them.. Which means my Blood family, I had forgotten to really let them in, in a long time. From my own fears I recognized quickly. I was terrified of them not accepting me or getting it. I was afraid of many things in there. So all this time instead of letting them in to allow them the opportunity to decide for themselves how they felt about me, I was choosing for them. This wasn't a fear I was still holding on to, this was something long ago I had released, just forgot to take the steps to move forward with it. Like bringing it to their attention I had been afraid, but wasn't. That I had forgotten to tell them my thoughts and such. It's like I finally stopped judging myself long ago and forgot I was mirroring that off of them. So when I was setting here wondering why they weren't getting me and I was feeling like they had left me I had a glorious revelation that I had forgot to bring them along on the journey of my crazy life.
So being who I am, ya know amazing with words and all (

They Great Bee Proverbs By The Wonderer

          Cooking With Honey

Recently I found myself in the kitchen cooking, The windows were open because the weather is beyond amazing here right now. Whatever it was I was cook apparently attracted a few bees into the windows. I hadn't noticed them at first because they hung out at the windows in a panic to get out. It wasn't until I began clean up very shortly after that I noticed them. Flying into the window and not realizing they had to back up and fly downwards to get out. I will be honest, for a few minutes I watched them, amused by the struggle. Not because I wanted to see their demise, but because the symbolism in the situation was greatly true and fitting to the way things are working out.

 The symbologism I speak of the this, there were three bee's fly in the window in hopes of getting something that smelled sweet and delicious to them. Quickly realizing the situation was not what they had wanted and wanting out as fast at their little wings could fly them in.  Instead of any of them taking the time to realize they had to backtrack to get out, they all began to fly into the window beating their tiny heads against it in a panic for survival. They all three continued to cause the same pattern for quite a while. Finally one of them stopped and realized that to go just a little backwards they could  come past the window frame and fly out. This they did and was free from death. One down two to go!

Bee two needed a little help to see this. I reached up and rolled the window out a bit more thinking they would both figure it out. This time bee two figured out that you need to go backwards to go forwards and was saved from what I am sure it thought was to be a sure death! Bee three, left alone, not able to figure out the secret. 

This one just was not getting the action he needed to take at all. I had to really step in for this one and actually push him out of the window to save his life. 

Here is the great analogy from this 2 of three people Will figure out the secret to truly moving forward mentally, spiritually, and in life is to step backwards and release your past to see the road to the future. The Third, if survives will need more than a small push.

I am who I am... It is what it is!

What If?

Recently I have been doing more soul searching and reaching deep with in myself. Really taking a hard look at Zachy for who he really is. Crazy guy, makes dirty jokes, very spiritual. Blah blah blah, the Shallow list of douche canoery could flow all day long of things I know and like about myself. How ever My mind has been in many places for a while now. Thinking of the what ifs in my life. Looking at the different paths I could have taken or even explored more thoroughly before I decided they weren’t my cup of tea.  Like going back to school, like my family has been very insistent on, or finding a great paying job and getting the “luxury items” I keep getting told are needed for a happy life. Yes I spout out that these things are not needed, and I firmly believe that. For I can tell you , YES friend I am happy with my life.  However, the fact still remains, sometimes I wonder who I would be IF I had all of these things? Would I still be the me I know exists her and now? Would I be someone different, and still be happy with that person.  Would my passions be fulfilled? Like Traveling extensively, and meditating, Drawing and art. Would I still be getting to know the real me or would I still be portraying the person I think I SHOULD be. But, not who I truly am. 

Just a Hippie

I am pretty much a free spirited hippie to be honest. My love for traveling goes beyond traveling. My passion for the world around me is so much deeper than a television or a book can portray.  I am a Gypsy, a Hippie, a nerd,   someone who’s thoughts go deeper than what time my favorite program comes on or how crappy my job is. I am more in touch with nature and the universe and myself than I am with other people. Yes I tend to be out going and Charismatic. But to really be that connected with humanity in the way humanity expects, well is next to obsolete for me. That does not mean I am not connected to humanity, Just not in the way that is expected. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like to be more co dependent on humanity and feel like I owe the world more than I feel. But I cannot imagine that anymore. I know for many that’s a turn off and I cannot apologize for being as close to my true self as I am at the moment I am typing this. Just remember, I do care, just now how you want me to. I also find my attachment to nature, universe and myself is the same as I have for people. However, not being attached to humanity is the way expected of me makes me often feel disconnected. Granted, and admittedly, that is within myself that I feel that, making it my issue and my own expectations of society to accept me for being me.  How can I set here and expect people to just understand these things? When They are expecting me to just fit their mold… Truth is I can’t. So I am going to work on not expecting it, just simply living my life and loving everything. 

                                          I'm Not Crazy

That’s what I am going to do. I am releasing my expectations of humanity accepting me for my “eccentricities” and expectations of myself at any point fitting this mold of person I am supposed to be. I release the labels I hold that set these expectations in place and I release myself to be who I am.  Who I always was, who I always will be and Who I always work towards being.  I am and that is what is, what I is. 

I am

Some days my hair is nasty, I havent shaved my beard in a long time, Some days I will smell of body odor and travel. Some times I am calm and collected, In thought and out going. Sometimes Dirty jokes will go over my head and other I will make  the worst ones possible. Sometimes I will have great ideas and other is wont. Great quotes and bad ones. In the end though, none of this matters . For I am  and that is what is it. Plain and Simple

Love 

Me

Teton Pics!

When i first arrived in Idaho we went to the the Grand Tetons! It has taken me w while to up load them but here we go

What you can't tell here is the snow was still over my head in July


Grand tetons^

Mirror Mirror On the wall

Have you ever looked in the mirror and it felt like the first time ever? Where you completely recognized you and was fully at peace with how you look? I have recently experienced this. I was standing in the bathroom washing my hands and looked up like I do everytime. Except this time was different. I stood there for a minute looking at me and thinking, "Where have you been? I missed you. Welcome Back!" It was honestly like I had never looked into the mirror before that moment...

I may not be in the look where people thought I was the hottest, Or most put together. But none of that mattered in this moment, and quite honestly still doesn't. I realize now (though have known it a long time) I have found myself, almost completely. This feeling is beyond calming and beautiful. I am who I am, and I love me.

Playing House

This blogg is a realization on my part, putting things together I have known and believe. These beliefs may not be your own. Take this as a Philosophy from someone whom you’ve either known or you still don’t know. I call it playing house. I was listening to a song my Jack Johnson, the name escapes me, and this just infiltrated my mind swiftly and with force. This is things I have known and followed, but until this moment I didn’t put them fully together and have a revelation to bring tears to my eyes.

Playing house

  If this reality isn’t real like we’ve been taught to believe, only an illusion we continue to hold ourselves, the we are simply playing house. Like children with their Barbie’s and G.I. Joe’s.  We are going to jobs that we have convinced ourselves that are completely important and do things we do not desire in life, in the playhouse. We have over complicated the simplicity that we truly have here. We have turned it into huge circles of fictional tv dramas and ridiculous romance novels. When children are playing house, they don’t work for what they are wanting. The Drama is removed, the jobs are gone. If they want the house they simply have it. They Dream the perfection of it and they manifest it. To people, humans, it may look like a shoe box. But to the children they see a majestic castle with everything they desire in it.  So instead of adding the extra in there for the perfection, like many have taught, If you imagine your true desires, you see their perfection, it shall manifest for you. Just how you see it. Because we step into it with the awareness we are simply playing house.

Then it makes me ask questions like, do we really need to work towards enlightenment or is it already there once we imagine it being.  Once we choose to accept it is there.  Then house, like enlightenment, once we are aware we are simply playing house, we realize the things we desire are already awaiting for OUR arrival. Once we choose to accept it.


Imagine it , Feel it , accept it, love it and that’s manifesting.

Thought on Situational Status's (negative,positive,or neutral)

What deems a something as bad, a situation or action of some sort? What makes is feel like these things are so wrong and horrible? Was it from our own experiences in life that make these things wrong, or something we were told for a long time? All situations (as long as you allow them) have a lesson of some sort behind them.. “The Moral of the Story”… Granted the situations may be tough or the actions that we have may make things rough and hard to handle. But we always walk away with a new perspective. Isn’t that a gift? The chance to learn something new? A blessing, a chance to have a new level of awareness among ones self?  Can something truly be bad if we walk away being better than we were?

If you think about it, all situations and actions are neutral. It is really how one handles the situation.. Take this example. Two people lose their jobs on the same day. One person wallows in the fact that they lost their job, they lose track of bills and fall terribly behind. Their family suffers and the strain causes more unneeded problems. Situation is unpleasant. Now take this same guy and give him realization that he has the opportunity now to find a job he truly loves, he finds said job and excels beyond his own expectations. The family comes back together as a unit and thrives. Does this situation when all said and done seem amazing. This group had the opportunity to experience something rough and difficult to handle and then to turn it around and become a stronger unit because of it. Now rewind and go back to guy number two, he automatically realizes the opportunity he is handed and runs for it full force and grows exponentially from the “negative” event of losing his job. Both Win here, and both learned amazing lessons in the process. Yes, I see that this situation could have taken another turn, where guy number one didn’t realize his lesson and continued to struggle. Ripping the family apart and destroying everything he had worked towards. However, if you take the time to reflect and learn what you can learn from the situation, how is it bad?  So really its not the actions or the situations that are bad. It is really how one handles the situation?

So then I go back and ask, So is it truly situations or actions that are bad? Or are they Neutral? Is it us to makes them negative? For isn’t each situation that presents it self to us just another door we choose to step through with grace and pride?

Just a thought….


The Wonderer.

About to have my first experience with a sacred pipe ceremony

As facebook peeps are figuring out I am, tonight, going to a sacred pipe ceremony. Which I am very excited for!  I have been studying up on this (as you can read) and am trying to know things before I get there. Which as we all know. Knowing something and experiencing them are two different things. Who knows... I mean I did see me meeting a Shaman in meditation and he/she gave me wise information.

So what I know this far is this is like a childs pinky promise in a way. Once you have made a promise or given your word and you smoke the sacred pipe it is unthinkable to go back on your word. The symbolism of the Smoking itself is to pull in from the ground (tobacco) and the release into the universe (to the gods). Helps to pull in the wisdom and Send out your prays, so that you're blessed.... pretty cool huh?