Those Dark hallways

Admittedly, Up until my last blog post I was feeling completely stuck and like I have been wasting precious time doing nothing in NC. However, after typing that and reflecting on other things I have learned since I returned to my home town here in NC.  I felt as if I had put myself in situation for no reason other than to feel stuck. Have been feeling like a fool for doing so. In fact, I have realized it takes more for me to stay stationary than the move around and travel. How ridiculous is that?

I have been pressured over and over to get a job, have been ridiculed for being a hippie and called a bum.  Every time I’ve turned around I am being called a witch for having a way with animals and getting anything to grow from nothing.  I have realized how much money it takes to truly get off of the grid… Am I the only one who thinks that is the dumbest thing? It takes a lot of money to be free from money.  And then in this society you’re never truly free from money.  There are still property taxes, and a few odds and ends that you need.  Still haven’t found a suitable toilet paper solution lol.

Anyways, the point being, I have let my fears over whelm my desires. I have become stuck in ways of thought and fear. I have allowed myself to begin to be sucked into other people’s ways of thought of fear of my own ways.   I have lost track of something, and I am not sure what.  I am determined still to have my dreams become my reality, however I have closed many doors to those dreams myself in the recent months passed.  I know that they are still there and waiting for me. But, I am afraid.  For a while I felt like I had lost those dreams to my own fear, I realized after my last blog that they hadn’t gone anywhere. I was learning many lessons here and healing wounds I have caused. 

I saw the hallway I have been standing in light up, it was no longer dark, I could see I was not alone. In fact I can now see all the people in my life and can see their true feelings and desires, not the egoic responses I get. I can see I am being rooted on to take life by the balls and hold on for a wild ride.  And I can see all of those doorways.  My fear showed me the wild ride to be the angry bull I was climbing on, but now I see that it’s not at all! It’s a raft in my river of life. I know there will be bumps and turns, and I know I will fall out in to the rapids on occasion. But my raft buddies, They will never let me drown, picking and teasing me ensue once lives are rescued from the rapids, But it’s in all good fun.

It seems so long now, that the tears ran like rivers

Seems many years ago now, but I guess not so many. Maybe because since then though life yes has been a whirl wind, it has been full and adventurous. A life time of amazement, in a short period of time. I laid in an apartment floor on a cold winter evening. Crying. Another panic attack taken a hold of me.  Fighting for meditation I had been learning to control this problem.  I had came across the idea only days, maybe weeks, who knows, before from my roommate who so bluntly offered me the advice to learn the art of meditation, or said more like this, "Dude, you need to learn to meditate." Was left just like that, like a major cliff hanger to a movie, no advice on how to do it or where to start. To just start.

This at the time seemed cruel and more of a joke than anything, but alas what did I have to Lose? My sanity? HAHA, well yes, that is gone. But was going anyways from the tormented nights of tears and the days of chewing over every detail of my life until that moment. Beating myself up for all the wrongs I had done and judging the wrong other had. I was mad at my roommate for a couple of days honestly. I felt like I had been handed an amazing option, locked in a glass case. So I researched it, Learned what I could about it. Finally Tried it. Anyways, back on topic.  I hadn't became strong n the art, and was not sure how to get into a calm meditative state to calm this attack yet.

I lay there shaking, begging for this to just stop. I just wanted it to end, to be better, to not have to go any further. I begged a god I had stopped believing in long before. Ironic where we turn when we are at our supposed weakest huh? I didn't want to believe in this god who created me the way I was to HATE me, to PUNISH me with a life I felt then was terrible. I did not want to believe in such a cruel god, and awful vengeful man who treated us like ants under a magnifying glass! But I turn to beg his help in my weakest hour.

The tears stream down, my mind racing with all of my wrongs, the hate and contempt for myself that filled me. The floor at this point had became my friend in these moments, its aged carpet and worn out padding held me, cushioned me and did not offer the potential of falling like my bed did. The floor helped slowly sooth me back to calmness, the coolness from his lack of insulation calmed my body into comatose and allowed me to rest my head for a nap once the shaking retreated for a few more hours, or a day with luck. I lay here on my old friend, ungrateful of his sacrifice to my aid, finally calming and not effected by the coldness of the floor or the air surrounding me. Almost as if I have had a blanket laid over me to protect me from the bitter cold.





An invisible blanket placed upon my being by an unseen force. It brought me into a state of peace. Relaxation.   I no longer feel alone at this point, for I am no longer alone. The need to judge my past is subsided, and the future feels unimportant. I close my eyes, and feel the words to calm, for I am safe. That it will be alright, because I am protected and taken care of. A feeling of pure unconditional love pours over me like a warm bath. I know god in this moment. And this IS NOT the god I was told about. This MY god. I have, since then held onto this peace. But not the story. Not until of recent. A singer we all know, and that I enjoy very much. Taylor Swift, has sang the words so perfectly that I felt this day, the one that feels so long ago now. Safe and sound.

Attached Cycles will be removed!

I've got some funny things today. Today I have had my mind wrapped around going back east for a while. Completely ignoring the attachment I had to getting there I have been saying for a long time now I am not attached to the outcome to everyone, and for a long time I have not been attached to the outcome of anything. So for me to realize my attachment to this was completely amusing to me. I revealed in this, laugh at this, and could not help but grin from ridiculous amounts of time about this. I had to tell everyone around me. Which got me some funny looks, but that is okay. This moment was amazing to have, I love it. I love the fact that I got to experience it and realize I have been. The feeling is slight annoyance, but a lot of confused thoughts. ( That is because I have a lot on my mind I still need to sort through).So put the two together and you have the average mind. At least what I remember when I used to be like that years ago. Has been ridiculous and awesomeness. Man I love when I get to experience those things.

When one gets to experience moments they don't enjoy so much, it makes the great ones that much more appreciated and memorable. Though I have not removed the attachment, I am learning from it. I know , I know what makes sense is to remove that and move on. However, this way I can learn the ins and outs of it. Learn how I allow the pattern to overcome me and my symptoms of it. Basically through this I can learn to cure this. That way later down the road I wont have it happen, at least sneak up on me haha!

There it is, I have my moments. Though I have learned how to enjoy them rather than be upset with them. I <3 me.