It seems so long now, that the tears ran like rivers

Seems many years ago now, but I guess not so many. Maybe because since then though life yes has been a whirl wind, it has been full and adventurous. A life time of amazement, in a short period of time. I laid in an apartment floor on a cold winter evening. Crying. Another panic attack taken a hold of me.  Fighting for meditation I had been learning to control this problem.  I had came across the idea only days, maybe weeks, who knows, before from my roommate who so bluntly offered me the advice to learn the art of meditation, or said more like this, "Dude, you need to learn to meditate." Was left just like that, like a major cliff hanger to a movie, no advice on how to do it or where to start. To just start.

This at the time seemed cruel and more of a joke than anything, but alas what did I have to Lose? My sanity? HAHA, well yes, that is gone. But was going anyways from the tormented nights of tears and the days of chewing over every detail of my life until that moment. Beating myself up for all the wrongs I had done and judging the wrong other had. I was mad at my roommate for a couple of days honestly. I felt like I had been handed an amazing option, locked in a glass case. So I researched it, Learned what I could about it. Finally Tried it. Anyways, back on topic.  I hadn't became strong n the art, and was not sure how to get into a calm meditative state to calm this attack yet.

I lay there shaking, begging for this to just stop. I just wanted it to end, to be better, to not have to go any further. I begged a god I had stopped believing in long before. Ironic where we turn when we are at our supposed weakest huh? I didn't want to believe in this god who created me the way I was to HATE me, to PUNISH me with a life I felt then was terrible. I did not want to believe in such a cruel god, and awful vengeful man who treated us like ants under a magnifying glass! But I turn to beg his help in my weakest hour.

The tears stream down, my mind racing with all of my wrongs, the hate and contempt for myself that filled me. The floor at this point had became my friend in these moments, its aged carpet and worn out padding held me, cushioned me and did not offer the potential of falling like my bed did. The floor helped slowly sooth me back to calmness, the coolness from his lack of insulation calmed my body into comatose and allowed me to rest my head for a nap once the shaking retreated for a few more hours, or a day with luck. I lay here on my old friend, ungrateful of his sacrifice to my aid, finally calming and not effected by the coldness of the floor or the air surrounding me. Almost as if I have had a blanket laid over me to protect me from the bitter cold.





An invisible blanket placed upon my being by an unseen force. It brought me into a state of peace. Relaxation.   I no longer feel alone at this point, for I am no longer alone. The need to judge my past is subsided, and the future feels unimportant. I close my eyes, and feel the words to calm, for I am safe. That it will be alright, because I am protected and taken care of. A feeling of pure unconditional love pours over me like a warm bath. I know god in this moment. And this IS NOT the god I was told about. This MY god. I have, since then held onto this peace. But not the story. Not until of recent. A singer we all know, and that I enjoy very much. Taylor Swift, has sang the words so perfectly that I felt this day, the one that feels so long ago now. Safe and sound.

Hello.

My mind is enwrapped in many thoughts tonight, my emotions are stable. The silence is peaceful and intoxicating, yet maddening and loud at the same moment. All the seconds seem like minutes and the minutes hours. But when I look down for the time, I can only wonder where it has gone. Where does it go? The conclusion is the light ache from my side or swimming of thoughts through my mind to my eyes. Thoughts of the farm, the work I need to accomplish, my travels (or lack there of), the twin bed that calls my name as it taunts at the fact the single is the state I am meant for now. The peace that brings and the desire for otherwise. A deep sigh, a slight ache and a smile. Time for sleep, Time for meditation. Here is my God, In the fabric of every detail. Hello. 

Stepping into the next chapter with the new season and new month!

It is now the end of September, October rolling in will full force and willingness to bring the beautiful leaves with it. Perfect time to travel cross country. Seeing the scenery all the way across. I am the perfect state of mind to remove more of the clutter in my mind and let it fall away. I am in the mood to travel across country and to see the beauty out east a while. To see family and finally let them in completely. I am also ready to start my new projects while my travels are on hold for a while. There is plenty to keep me occupied a while. Which is perfection. I love it.

I have been putting thought in to the idea of stepping back into life the way in which I was living. But I do not seeing that being possible. Working the way I was, the way I was living. I cant even imagine it. Which is okay, it was not fitting of who I was and this is the season of release. So instead trying to imagine it I am going to release it with love of the knowledge that I know It served me perfectly for what i was supposed to to. I leave it with gratitude and appreciation.  I am stepping into a new chapter of my own life, a new experience. I am excited for it!!

They Great Bee Proverbs By The Wonderer

          Cooking With Honey

Recently I found myself in the kitchen cooking, The windows were open because the weather is beyond amazing here right now. Whatever it was I was cook apparently attracted a few bees into the windows. I hadn't noticed them at first because they hung out at the windows in a panic to get out. It wasn't until I began clean up very shortly after that I noticed them. Flying into the window and not realizing they had to back up and fly downwards to get out. I will be honest, for a few minutes I watched them, amused by the struggle. Not because I wanted to see their demise, but because the symbolism in the situation was greatly true and fitting to the way things are working out.

 The symbologism I speak of the this, there were three bee's fly in the window in hopes of getting something that smelled sweet and delicious to them. Quickly realizing the situation was not what they had wanted and wanting out as fast at their little wings could fly them in.  Instead of any of them taking the time to realize they had to backtrack to get out, they all began to fly into the window beating their tiny heads against it in a panic for survival. They all three continued to cause the same pattern for quite a while. Finally one of them stopped and realized that to go just a little backwards they could  come past the window frame and fly out. This they did and was free from death. One down two to go!

Bee two needed a little help to see this. I reached up and rolled the window out a bit more thinking they would both figure it out. This time bee two figured out that you need to go backwards to go forwards and was saved from what I am sure it thought was to be a sure death! Bee three, left alone, not able to figure out the secret. 

This one just was not getting the action he needed to take at all. I had to really step in for this one and actually push him out of the window to save his life. 

Here is the great analogy from this 2 of three people Will figure out the secret to truly moving forward mentally, spiritually, and in life is to step backwards and release your past to see the road to the future. The Third, if survives will need more than a small push.

Thought on Situational Status's (negative,positive,or neutral)

What deems a something as bad, a situation or action of some sort? What makes is feel like these things are so wrong and horrible? Was it from our own experiences in life that make these things wrong, or something we were told for a long time? All situations (as long as you allow them) have a lesson of some sort behind them.. “The Moral of the Story”… Granted the situations may be tough or the actions that we have may make things rough and hard to handle. But we always walk away with a new perspective. Isn’t that a gift? The chance to learn something new? A blessing, a chance to have a new level of awareness among ones self?  Can something truly be bad if we walk away being better than we were?

If you think about it, all situations and actions are neutral. It is really how one handles the situation.. Take this example. Two people lose their jobs on the same day. One person wallows in the fact that they lost their job, they lose track of bills and fall terribly behind. Their family suffers and the strain causes more unneeded problems. Situation is unpleasant. Now take this same guy and give him realization that he has the opportunity now to find a job he truly loves, he finds said job and excels beyond his own expectations. The family comes back together as a unit and thrives. Does this situation when all said and done seem amazing. This group had the opportunity to experience something rough and difficult to handle and then to turn it around and become a stronger unit because of it. Now rewind and go back to guy number two, he automatically realizes the opportunity he is handed and runs for it full force and grows exponentially from the “negative” event of losing his job. Both Win here, and both learned amazing lessons in the process. Yes, I see that this situation could have taken another turn, where guy number one didn’t realize his lesson and continued to struggle. Ripping the family apart and destroying everything he had worked towards. However, if you take the time to reflect and learn what you can learn from the situation, how is it bad?  So really its not the actions or the situations that are bad. It is really how one handles the situation?

So then I go back and ask, So is it truly situations or actions that are bad? Or are they Neutral? Is it us to makes them negative? For isn’t each situation that presents it self to us just another door we choose to step through with grace and pride?

Just a thought….


The Wonderer.

About to have my first experience with a sacred pipe ceremony

As facebook peeps are figuring out I am, tonight, going to a sacred pipe ceremony. Which I am very excited for!  I have been studying up on this (as you can read) and am trying to know things before I get there. Which as we all know. Knowing something and experiencing them are two different things. Who knows... I mean I did see me meeting a Shaman in meditation and he/she gave me wise information.

So what I know this far is this is like a childs pinky promise in a way. Once you have made a promise or given your word and you smoke the sacred pipe it is unthinkable to go back on your word. The symbolism of the Smoking itself is to pull in from the ground (tobacco) and the release into the universe (to the gods). Helps to pull in the wisdom and Send out your prays, so that you're blessed.... pretty cool huh?